Not-So-Great British Drivers

RACE TRACK: I'm Only Happy When It Rains - Garbage

Hard to believe that, after the rain-soaked chaos of Friday and Saturday (on and off the track), we had a completely dry race! A wonderful reprieve for the brave souls at the circuit of course but, for those of us safely ensconced in front of the TV, a bit of slipping and sliding come race day wouldn't have gone amiss. But despite the dry running there was plenty of action to discuss, so on with the show...

Firstly, congratuwelldone to Mark Webber for being only the second double-winner this season! Of course he celebrated his win in typical mental fashion:

I dread to think what his passport photo looks like. Good ol' Mark, providing us with ridiculous material for photoshopping since 2002.

This first section will contain a small amount of casual Red Bull fangirling, before we get into the usual torrent of rants. Not only did RBR have the wonderful Simon Pegg as a guest this weekend (who, when Webber took the lead, appeared to be TRAPPED IN A plastic GLASS CASE OF EMOTION), but they also had the most stunning livery.

It's not just 25,000 pretty faces, it raised over €1 million for Red Bull's Wings For Life charity. So it was certainly an added bonus for the thousands of donors that they were able to accompany Mark Webber as he took the chequered flag at Silverstone. For both drivers to finish on the podium even with all those people in the cockpit with them (ooer) is quite an amazing result. And so, cue Mark's jet-propelled podium jump, Seb cheekily pouring champagne onto Jackie Stewart's head and the various presenters and pundits having to bellow over the top of the exceptionally loud music coming from the Red Bull garage.

Onto rather more useless teams: McLaren strike again! Supposedly the second best team on the 2012 grid, both McLaren cars showed an alarming lack of pace throughout the entire weekend. I'll point out at this stage that being a Jenson Button fan is not the same as being a McLaren fan. Jenson's qualifying was yet another dismal affair, resulting in him starting from a lowly 16th place on the grid. In the past few Grands Prix, Button has been diagnosed by some with the Felipe Massa Effect (please note: I despise this concept, merely referencing what I've heard), of losing your mojo alongside a superstar teammate (I, however, rooted out his problem from his facial hair). But at Silverstone, the mediocrity reached Lewis Hamilton as well. At least Button managed to work his way up 6 places to 10th and earn himself 1 world championship point (THRILLING) - Hamilton couldn't gain on his start position at all. And aside from the downright lack of pace, yet again the strategy wasn't all there. Hamilton was on the radio saying "we shouldn't have covered Grosjean, he's much faster than me" only a few moments before the giraffe in the Lotus galloped right past him. So a very poor showing from MEHcLaren, and as for the other British driver, well he wobbled off the track in the first lap. ...Not the best showing in front of the home fans, boys.


But I suppose one consolation for McLaren fans (hello? anybody out there?) is that they didn't have the worst pit stop of the weekend. That award, sadly, goes to Kamui Kobayashi and Sauber.

I am very glad to report that none of the Sauber pit crew were seriously hurt, although apparently one mechanic is receiving treatment for an injured thumb - get well soon! Hopefully Kamui will get back to his usual method of KKing people next time out...

Now I suppose it's time for my semi-regular segment: tirelessly and defiantly defending Pastor Maldonado! For the record, I'll just point out that I really like Sergio Perez too. He's a good driver, interesting on strategy and I wish he'd won in Malaysia. But I think sweet little Checo might have overreacted just a tiiiny bit after his retirement from the race following this incident with Pastor:

Yes, it was an unfortunate incident, and Maldonado hasn't exactly had the best record for clean races this year, but... you can see he's lost control of the car before the contact with Perez. Even if the Sauber hadn't been there, I think Maldonado would have lost it in that corner and spun off. So I find it difficult to agree with Sergio's slightly mad rant where he called Pastor a "stupid and dangerous driver" and worried that he "could hurt someone". I understand that tensions run high so soon after a frustrating incident, but sadly this has fuelled a lot more blind hatred for the Venezuelan. I think he just hasn't had the chance to build up a fanbase that contains more than just me. If he had anything like the number of insane fans that Lewis Hamilton has built up over the years, Maldonado's driving would merely be 'aggressive' and it would win their hearts. Let's just be grateful he hasn't said he's being picked on because he's Latino. But really, I only hope that Pastor can have a few good, clean races in the weeks to come, so that people might remember his mighty drive to his maiden victory in Spain, rather than the recent dodgy incidents. ...Plus if he stops crashing about, I can stop ranting on and on defending him! Because someone in the one-person fan club has got to.

Huge thanks to @F1ML for bringing to life the equal-parts brilliant and terrifying image of my Pastor Pom Poms!

Now I'm throwing my second mini-rant in here, so that we can end on something nicer... the British Biased Coverage was making me rather angry this weekend. I'm not talking about the focus being on the British drivers, because that makes sense and of course they'll do the same at every circuit with the driver(s) from that country. I'm referring to the fanatical lunacy that Jake Humphrey championed at Silverstone on the BBC. Encouraging support for specific (British) drivers is all well and good, but Humphrey decided that it would be a good laugh to get the (predominantly sane) British fans to pick which (non-British) drivers they hated the most and boo them. ...Really? Really, Jake? So of course Lewis' best mates Fernando and Pastor were getting a fair bit of a abuse, spurred on by the prominent Hamilton brown-noser Mr Humphrey. Even worse than this were the representatives of the worst kind of F1 fans on Twitter, some of whom even threatened to kill Pastor Maldonado if he 'touched' their beloved Lewis (why is it always Lewis fans being mentally deranged?). I was pleased, however, to see that this particular comment was met with much disgust online. Of course we all have our favourite and our least favourite drivers but, after a weekend of a very shoddily organised British sporting event, I don't think Silverstone 2012 needed to be remembered for anti-British hate-spewing as well.

I'd apologise for the excessive ranting, but I imagine you come here expecting it. Or you've blundered onto here by mistake, in which case: HI! Sorry!

But let's end on a more cheery note: Felipe baby is back in action!

As I said before, I find Felipe-bashing deeply upsetting, so having him back on good form in the past few races has been glorious. Felipe managed to bring his Ferrari home in 4th place and pulled off a fair few badass overtaking moves throughout the race. As I'm still bitter about Brazil 2008, him being back in points-paying positions is lovely to see. Here's hoping he can repeat these recent good performances in the rest of the season, and maybe soon we'll be hearing 'Fernando, Felipe is faster than you'.

Anyway, that's all from me. The ranting has gone on long enough. Is anyone even still reading? WELL DONE YOU. If you like, you can follow me on Twitter @F1_Obsessive, where I spout this kind of rubbish aaall day long. See you next time for the German Grand Prix!

Tyred All The Time

RACE TRACK: 7 - Arctic Monkeys

For the first time in the history of Formula 1, there have been 7 different winners of the opening 7 races of the season. Some guy with an American accent and a chinstrap won apparently. Moving on...

What a difference the tyres make! While two double world champions had to make the choice between limping to the finish on a badly worn set of tyres, or losing time in the pits for fresh ones, a couple of young whippersnappers were able to cruise up and onto the podium. So thanks, Pirelli, for providing us with some surprise wildlife (other than the usual marmots) in the top three, in the form of Sergio 'Naked Mole Rat' Perez and Romain 'Giraffe' Grosjean!

Apologies to those of a nervous disposition, I forgot that this picture contains Martin Whitmarsh in a champagne-soaked shirt.

So we already knew that Checo is the king of the one-stop strategy, but he sure as hell came out of nowhere in Montreal. Starting in a very lowly 15th position, Perez was fairly invisible on the world feed for most of the race. But suddenly, with a few laps to go, Vettel has dived into the pits, Alonso is slipping back on old tyres, and Sergio has gone from grid slot number 15, to 15 points for a third place finish. And as for Romain, he started a respectable 7th, stayed out of trouble and miraculously appeared behind the ailing Alonso in the closing stages. The galloping giraffe dispatched the Spaniard with ease and achieved his highest ever finish in F1.

Many thanks to Nicola for sending me this amazing photo. Proof that Romain IS the happiest man (/giraffe) alive: you can still see his enormous grin even when he's wearing a helmet. Brilliant. Also, given the slightly weird angle, it looks like the Lotus man has a leg for an arm, don't you think? ...I think I've looked at this picture for too long.

So it was a two-thirds lovely podium for me. However much I'd like some of the front runners (Button, Vettel, Alonso), I'm always delighted to see drivers from (supposedly) lower down the grid doing well. I say lower down but, in the current standings, Grosjean is actually 8 points ahead of Button! As a loyal Jenson fan, I wish he could've done well in this race. And as a childish moron, I wish he'd finished first so that the top three would read: BUTGROPER. More on the curious case of Jenson Button later...

But now for a bad F1 joke: how many Mercedes mechanics does it take to close a moveable rear wing?

Michael's clearly invited a black cat to be his mascot and has been going round smashing mirrors - I bet he went to smash something or other after this FIFTH retirement from seven races. And as Schumacher seems to be a key feature in something that is grinding my gears, I shall take this moment to have my little rant about 'what if' scenarios. I did tweet about this already, but I'm saying it here in a few more characters. This isn't a rant at Schumacher - more at his fans, or rather ANY fans that consider ridiculous hypothetical situations to be factual in order to claim their driver's brilliance. Somebody has worked out that Michael Schumacher would currently be leading the championship if it wasn't for pit stop errors, reliability issues and general misfortune. Ok, sure, he's had a few races where he's been running well before having a problem. But having a 'what if' in which you change every outcome of every race is, as James Hunt would say, bullshit. If we're going to do that then we might as well say Narain Karthikeyan could/would/should be top of the drivers' standings. By all means, keep supporting/defending your favourite driver(s) in good times and bad, but please do so in the real world rather than the alternate universe you've created for them.

So the Canadian Grand Prix wasn't a patch on the EPIC that was last year's. But what's bugging me more is that neither is Jenson Button. Which brings me to this exceptionally modest comment:

I have successfully identified Jenson's problem. And I have a solution.

It's not what you think. It's not grip or balance, understeer or oversteer, not even the dreaded 'happy bubble' being popped. No... it's the facial hair. I'm only half joking. To explain, here are some examples from the Button Beard Database (BBDB).

Left: The all-over Jenson Button face fuzz that we know and love. This look was a constant throughout 2009 - a championship-winning beardy item, worthy of his 95 points.

Centre: A tad less raggedy, but still recognisably similar to the 09 spec. Button put world champion Vettel under pressure in the wet to take a stunning victory, despite having been through the pits 6 times - 25 points for the win.

Right: Face fuzz still all over, although more refined than the old days. Jenson took his pole-sitting teammate into the first corner and got his 2012 championship challenge off to the perfect start - 25 points and top of the tables.

Left: First sighting of the very dodgy, Damon Hill-esque facial hair. Trundled home in 9th place and, when asked about his race, said "I was just slow" - a lowly 2 points for that effort.

Centre: Hill impression still going strong, although looking slightly less two-tone. Button retired after repeated collisions with the Caterham of Heikki Kovalainen - classified 16th, worth nil points.

Right: I had my hopes up on Saturday having seen some Brawn-era facial hair as Jenson miraculously made it into Q3. But the fool must've shaved before the race and the clean-shaven look did nothing for him. Came home in 16th and a lap down - yet another zero on the scoreboard.

And so, the answer is clear: BRING BACK THE 2009 FACIAL HAIR. It might seem silly, but the evidence I've compiled proves it - there really is a direct correlation between the state of his beardy item and his race results. As much as I'd love to see an eighth different winner (preferably Romain, Kimi or Felipe), Button needs to get back to his winning ways and start climbing his way up from eighth in the championship standings. If he wants to do that 'W' again, he's got to start fixing the facial hair.

So I suppose this concludes my (frankly ridiculous) race review. Compared to previous years, 2012 didn't provide a great deal of action in Canada - nobody even smashed into the Wall Of Champions during the race! But just for fun, here is a great video of how to crash into said wall like a boss:

And on that unrelated note I suppose I should bid you farewell. Oohh, I should probably mention that the lovely @lookingspiffy runs a far more professional blog reviewing the facial hair of F1 drivers (of high importance, this) at #F1BEARDWATCH, so you should definitely go check that out. As for me, you can tweet/follow me on Twitter (if you dare) @F1_Obsessive aaaand don't forget to vote in this week's poll (above right) about your favourite 2012 liveries. Until next time - the excitement overload that is Valencia - byeeeee!

Cucumbers At Dawn

RACE TRACK: Fernando - Abba (Sorry, couldn't resist!)

First things first: CHECO YOU LITTLE LEGEND!

For those baffled by this picture, it is merely a comparison that my warped mind made last year ('Dull Down Under'). In Melbourne, Perez amazed us by climbing from 22nd on the grid to finish in a closely-fought 8th, and only a week later we find him in an incredible second place, giving double world champion Fernando Alonso a run for his money in the final few laps. I genuinely think Sergio could've pressured him into a mistake in the closing stages... if it wasn't for his own minor wobble. I was not jumping to join the conspiracy theorists who claimed that, as a future Ferrari driver (potentially as early as the next round in China), Perez was obliged to acknowledge "Fernando is faster than you." No, Perez was gunning like hell for that first place and made a small mistake, like most drivers would under that amount of pressure (look at Sebastian 'Flawless' Vettel in Canada '11). And if I was Sergio's race engineer, I'd almost certainly be holding my breath and begging him to be careful! But enough of the conspiracy crap: Perez can be added to the long list of drivers who are showing Hamilton how you're supposed to look when you make it onto the podium...

On the left: an appropriate face to pull if you've retired after 1 lap. On the right: an appropriate face to pull if you're on the podium. As ever Lewis, despite being the envy of most of the world by earning millions doing one of the coolest jobs in existence, you manage to have a face like a slapped arse. If you were in your teammate's position, trundling miserably around in 14th, I'd understand your frustration. Here's Jenson looking hugely disappointed:

The miserable bastard. But seriously, Button gave a great and honest post-race interview. He didn't moan, he didn't blame anybody else, he just said, "I can't do anything but laugh really because it was such a horrendous race!" The only time Lewis' comments made me laugh this weekend was when he managed to say "I can't complain" about three times in one short interview. Looks like all the time the McLaren PR people have spent beating that concept into him (probably since Monaco '11) has finally paid off!

Another man in stark contrast to the diplomatic Mr Button was Sebastian 'Eternally-Cheerful' Vettel. After his wing-flinging moment with Button, poor old Karthikeyan was observing the blue flags (no Kimi, not for you) and moving out of the way of Vettel when he unfortunately clipped the Red Bull's rear tyre. The tyre disintegrated, as did Seb's race... and his patience:

I know Vettel is famous for his finger, but really. His troubles then continued with a series of baffling and contradictory team radio messages from his race engineer: "Box, box, box, we're going to retire the car, retire the car, retire the car... stay out, stay out, stay out, stay out... stop the car, stop the car, emergency, stop the car." So when he did eventually stop the car and was shoved in front of the microphones, his usual happy grin was nowhere to be seen. About the coming together with Karthikeyan he said, "As in real life, there are a few cucumbers on the road." First of all, what is Formula 1 if not real life (for him anyway)? Secondly, cucumbers?? When interviewed shortly afterwards by the BBC, he went for the word "idiots" instead, but I definitely prefer the mad imagery of his first answer. Unfortunately for Seb, #CUCUMBERGATE rumbles on, with Narain calling him "unprofessional" and a "crybaby". To add insult to injury, he's also apparently in trouble with his team for ignoring their order to stop the car, and with the FIA for the use of his other finger. I like and support Vettel, but this has not been a good weekend for him; this has been a Hamilton-at-Monaco kind of meltdown. Nicht gut, Wunderkind.


What else? I realise I'm going about this in entirely the wrong order but that's clearly how I roll. The red flag period had a fair few fun moments, as ever. Gratuitous picture number 1: hands up who wants to high-five me!

That face just screams "where's my Magnum?" (If you can bear to hear more Kimi-five/Magnum ramblings, check out my shenanigans at Top Gear here.) While the drivers conferred and stretched and scowled, the teams were busy hosting the 1st Annual B&Q Malaysian Gazebo Grand Prix, competing for titles including 'Quickest Gazebo Assembly', 'Driest Chassis' and the prestigious 'Largest And Most Compensatory Gazebo'. Some unfortunate teams had obviously spent their funding elsewhere and had to make do with a rather forlorn collection of brollies and what looked like clingfilm. And here's gratuitous picture number 2: a surly, soggy Rob Smedley (or R. Smedley if you're saying it out loud), again for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Aside from Seb's rather unfortunate tantrum, the other thing from Malaysia that really grinds my gears is the curse that appears to be following Maldonado and Grosjean around. Two weekends in a row now, Pastor has been driving well inside the top ten, when his race comes to an abrupt end in the final stages of the race. Admittedly the first time it was a driver error whilst hounding Alonso, but an engine blow out? In 2012? That's just cruel, fate. At least this time Bruno Senna was on hand to score Williams 8 points, making up 7 places to finish 6th. And as for poor Romain, he qualifies well, he starts well and then, only a few laps in, ends up in the gravel. Here's Grosjean's reaction after his incident:

Pauvre bébé. Right, that's enough rambling and teasing from me now. Late post is late but I'm still not as slow as FOM are with their race edits - success! Feel free to comment below or tweet me @F1_Obsessive - ooh, and don't forget to vote in the poll on the right: this week, your bet for the championship leader after Round 3 in China. Until then my lovelies!

Dull Down Under

Warning: All this may be explained by my being tired and grumpy.

RACE TRACK: Woke Up This Morning - Alabama 3

First off, news from qualifying: congratulations to Albert Park for overcoming its menopause, as it no longer requires HRT! Nice job BBC on your not-at-all harsh graphics, crossing out the faces of Liuzzi and Karthikeyan like an assassin crosses off his hits. Only other interesting event of qualifying, Sutil trying to take over from Hamilton as top 'hoon' in Melbourne, but performing his doughnut far more gracefully (and legally) than the Aussie rozzers deemed Lewis to have last year.

And so to the race. A bit of a disappointment really, especially given the appalling hour I had to wake up.

For starters, my boys Button and Barrichello were acting very strangely.

I have no idea what on earth provoked either of them to attempt such idiotic moves, but I'd really rather they stopped the madness. I mean I was screaming at Jenson to just give it back to Massa before Alonso rolled up and the pitstops started. But no, he had his wise and experienced Mclaren strategists in his ear who decided to arse about and ask the FIA for some friendly advice instead. And as for Rubens, well the most experienced man out there seems oddly distracted by the scenery this weekend, smashing into Rosberg in the same random way that he drifted into the gravel in qualifying. Still, it's not like anyone missed Nico a great deal.

Next up in my list of disappointments, the Sauber disqualifications! My pessimistic soul became that little bit less jaded when Perez and Kobayashi came in in 7th and 8th, but that of course was snatched away after the race - something to do with their rear wings being a millimetre or so out in some dimension. A shame, because I liked Perez for being the random rookie pulling off some kind of miracle. Plus, he has some kind of Rufus (the naked mole rat from Kim Possible) vibe to him, don't you think?

(Perez is on the left by the way)

And what else really grinds my gears... oh yes, dear Mr. Camera Man, can we please focus on the race occasionally, instead of checking every five minutes whether Nicole Scherznfmkxtlzminger can still jump, hoot and clap like an ape? I'd quite like to have seen Paul di Resta being asked to move out of the way for Sutil, or the state of Hamilton the Plank Hamilton's plank, or why Webber had to dump his car immediately after the chequered flag. But never mind, she's more important.

For a dull race I've found a fair bit to rant about. I'm hoping next time around in Malaysia we might get a bit more excitement than one of Britney's Nico's pristine golden hairs being out of place. Until then, to keep us going for two weeks we have the joy of having seen a fair bit of Vitaly Petrov's sensational face.

Terrifying. Only kidding Vitaly, congratuwelldone today!