Cucumbers At Dawn

RACE TRACK: Fernando - Abba (Sorry, couldn't resist!)

First things first: CHECO YOU LITTLE LEGEND!

For those baffled by this picture, it is merely a comparison that my warped mind made last year ('Dull Down Under'). In Melbourne, Perez amazed us by climbing from 22nd on the grid to finish in a closely-fought 8th, and only a week later we find him in an incredible second place, giving double world champion Fernando Alonso a run for his money in the final few laps. I genuinely think Sergio could've pressured him into a mistake in the closing stages... if it wasn't for his own minor wobble. I was not jumping to join the conspiracy theorists who claimed that, as a future Ferrari driver (potentially as early as the next round in China), Perez was obliged to acknowledge "Fernando is faster than you." No, Perez was gunning like hell for that first place and made a small mistake, like most drivers would under that amount of pressure (look at Sebastian 'Flawless' Vettel in Canada '11). And if I was Sergio's race engineer, I'd almost certainly be holding my breath and begging him to be careful! But enough of the conspiracy crap: Perez can be added to the long list of drivers who are showing Hamilton how you're supposed to look when you make it onto the podium...

On the left: an appropriate face to pull if you've retired after 1 lap. On the right: an appropriate face to pull if you're on the podium. As ever Lewis, despite being the envy of most of the world by earning millions doing one of the coolest jobs in existence, you manage to have a face like a slapped arse. If you were in your teammate's position, trundling miserably around in 14th, I'd understand your frustration. Here's Jenson looking hugely disappointed:

The miserable bastard. But seriously, Button gave a great and honest post-race interview. He didn't moan, he didn't blame anybody else, he just said, "I can't do anything but laugh really because it was such a horrendous race!" The only time Lewis' comments made me laugh this weekend was when he managed to say "I can't complain" about three times in one short interview. Looks like all the time the McLaren PR people have spent beating that concept into him (probably since Monaco '11) has finally paid off!

Another man in stark contrast to the diplomatic Mr Button was Sebastian 'Eternally-Cheerful' Vettel. After his wing-flinging moment with Button, poor old Karthikeyan was observing the blue flags (no Kimi, not for you) and moving out of the way of Vettel when he unfortunately clipped the Red Bull's rear tyre. The tyre disintegrated, as did Seb's race... and his patience:

I know Vettel is famous for his finger, but really. His troubles then continued with a series of baffling and contradictory team radio messages from his race engineer: "Box, box, box, we're going to retire the car, retire the car, retire the car... stay out, stay out, stay out, stay out... stop the car, stop the car, emergency, stop the car." So when he did eventually stop the car and was shoved in front of the microphones, his usual happy grin was nowhere to be seen. About the coming together with Karthikeyan he said, "As in real life, there are a few cucumbers on the road." First of all, what is Formula 1 if not real life (for him anyway)? Secondly, cucumbers?? When interviewed shortly afterwards by the BBC, he went for the word "idiots" instead, but I definitely prefer the mad imagery of his first answer. Unfortunately for Seb, #CUCUMBERGATE rumbles on, with Narain calling him "unprofessional" and a "crybaby". To add insult to injury, he's also apparently in trouble with his team for ignoring their order to stop the car, and with the FIA for the use of his other finger. I like and support Vettel, but this has not been a good weekend for him; this has been a Hamilton-at-Monaco kind of meltdown. Nicht gut, Wunderkind.


What else? I realise I'm going about this in entirely the wrong order but that's clearly how I roll. The red flag period had a fair few fun moments, as ever. Gratuitous picture number 1: hands up who wants to high-five me!

That face just screams "where's my Magnum?" (If you can bear to hear more Kimi-five/Magnum ramblings, check out my shenanigans at Top Gear here.) While the drivers conferred and stretched and scowled, the teams were busy hosting the 1st Annual B&Q Malaysian Gazebo Grand Prix, competing for titles including 'Quickest Gazebo Assembly', 'Driest Chassis' and the prestigious 'Largest And Most Compensatory Gazebo'. Some unfortunate teams had obviously spent their funding elsewhere and had to make do with a rather forlorn collection of brollies and what looked like clingfilm. And here's gratuitous picture number 2: a surly, soggy Rob Smedley (or R. Smedley if you're saying it out loud), again for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Aside from Seb's rather unfortunate tantrum, the other thing from Malaysia that really grinds my gears is the curse that appears to be following Maldonado and Grosjean around. Two weekends in a row now, Pastor has been driving well inside the top ten, when his race comes to an abrupt end in the final stages of the race. Admittedly the first time it was a driver error whilst hounding Alonso, but an engine blow out? In 2012? That's just cruel, fate. At least this time Bruno Senna was on hand to score Williams 8 points, making up 7 places to finish 6th. And as for poor Romain, he qualifies well, he starts well and then, only a few laps in, ends up in the gravel. Here's Grosjean's reaction after his incident:

Pauvre bébé. Right, that's enough rambling and teasing from me now. Late post is late but I'm still not as slow as FOM are with their race edits - success! Feel free to comment below or tweet me @F1_Obsessive - ooh, and don't forget to vote in the poll on the right: this week, your bet for the championship leader after Round 3 in China. Until then my lovelies!

"Welcome to 2009!"

RACE TRACK: Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys

I realise I am later with this race review than Kobayashi is on the brakes, but may I tentatively say... the blog is back! ...Place your bets now for when I'll go off the rails again.

But anyway: F1 IS BACK BABY! And the best part of the start of a new season for me (aside from ditching the F1 withdrawal symptoms) is the unpredictability. After a few weeks of fairly meaningless testing, where no team wanted to show their true potential, we finally get to see a new order establish itself in qualifying. I think Kimi speaks for himself, Felipe and Fernando when he says:

 

That poor a qualifying effort certainly worried Ferrari fans - and for Alonso to outqualify Massa despite being stationary and throwing a strop in the gravel, well, I think Felipe just needs a unicorn plaster on his head and a cuddle. I'm sure Rob would oblige. Or me.

To further confuse the Raikkonen fans, we find Romain Grosjean, in an identical Lotus, THIRD on the grid! Before this weekend, I was pretty indifferent to him. I felt like he had a chance to impress in F1 at Renault and had failed to - but I'm a firm believer in second chances (hope to see you soon Jaime!). To rejoin F1 after a fairly miserable first attempt, and to be driving alongside a former world champion, must be pretty damn daunting. And yet we find him beaming in the top three press conference alongside the McLaren duo! I tweeted at the time that he looked like the happiest giraffe in the zoo. This picture does nothing to refute that statement:

 

Look at his little face! When qualifying was over, I could just hear Will Buxton in the distance (from Melbourne) shrieking "SHUT UP. THAT IS RIDICULOUS."

But the other surprise of qualifying came from the man with the beautiful serial killer face, Pastor Maldonado. I'm well aware that I am the SOLE member of the Maldonado fan club, but if you can't be happy for him, be happy for Williams. Following their worst season in F1 history, to have a driver qualify as high as eighth is wonderful in my opinion. And so this weekend, what really grinds my gears is that inch or two of artifical grass that sadly brought Pastor's race to an end with only half a lap to go. 

I think it's safe to say that if my hotel room neighbours weren't already awake, they were after that happened. I know it was a driver error, but it's just a bit devastating that Williams could have had more points in that race than in the WHOLE of 2011, if it wasn't for that tiny mistake! Such a shame, but I'm looking forward to seeing what Williams can do next weekend and in the rest of the season. Other notable disappoints were the retirements of the Caterhams, the fighty Brazilian mafia of Felipe and Bruno, as well as Grosjean and Schumacher who had both been running well. But again, it was good to see some more midfield teams/drivers competing higher up the grid - I want to see more than the top 5 drivers on the podium this year!

But on with the rest of the race. In an interview with Coulthard on the grid, Jenson said it'd be difficult into Turn 1, but that he'd "give it a go". And he bloody did! The Girl With The Button Tattoo was naturally very happy with that - I reckon the race was won and lost in that first corner, and what a result! Button promptly "did a Vettel" and pulled out enough of a gap to rarely be bothered by his teammate or either racy Red Bulls. Now I'll admit Vettel was lucky with the timing of his pitstop and the safety car, but Hamilton didn't make much of an impact this race. Although I guess we should be grateful he kept his head down, like he promised? As for Button, he did try to scare us with a radio message sounding worried about a vibration and, listening to the exceptionally shouty Ben Edwards commentary, this was obviously HIGH DRAMA and Jenson was DOOOOOOMED (he did seem to like an overreaction did Ben). But it can't have been a real problem because the smooth operator Mr. Button sailed to victory uncompromised. And so, for the first race after a tortuous winter break, we have someone other than Seb on the top step of the podium! Judging by his team radio after the chequered flag, he was as happy as me about this: "Welcome to 2009!"

Also on the last lap there were plenty of reasons to be excited about the midfield battles for 2012. As Button crossed the line victorious and Maldonado exited his mangled car, the Saubers, Toro Rossos, Di Resta and Raikkonen were swapping places for the entire final lap. Perez and Raikkonen in particular had done EPIC jobs to get up into the top ten from their dismal grid slots (Sergio in last place after a penalty) and the numerous overtakes in the final turns were great!

So anyway, it really is about time I shut up (so much tl;dr) but I think it's safe to say that this was a fun race, and hopefully the start of some great battles for the 2012 season! I shall leave you with this, because they are just impossibly cute:

 

As the commentator for Star Sports said during the champagne shower, "the chemistry between these two champions is absolutely great". ...I'll let you take from that whatever you like.

Until next weekend pals! Feel free to leave a comment (agree, disagree, call me a raving lunatic - whatever you like), or tweet/follow me at @F1_Obsessive. :D

Meesta Brundoo For The Win!

(If you saw the race build-up with Massa and Smedley's [adorable] track guide, the title makes sense. If you didn't, you think I've gone insane. Oh well.)


RACE TRACK: Well That Was Easy - Franz Ferdinand

First off all, late blog post is late. My apologies. Not that I expect people are screaming and running into walls because of my brief absence. ANYWAY.

It's looking like a video-heavy post this week so we'll open with the aforementioned track guide from Felipe Massa and Rob Smedley which was beyond lovely:

But now onto the main 'action'. For a race with 126 overtakes (yes, really), it was bordering on uneventful. Every race so far this season has had a stand-out moment of the race - whether that's epic rookies ending up disqualified, flying Russians or blind Buttons - but this one kind of didn't. Sure it was kind of entertaining seeing the McLarens wheel to wheel and the Renaults shoving each other around, but if we talking team squabbles, I think we all found last year's Red Bull battle a bit more exciting.

(makes me want to watch SPEED, their synchronised "OHH NOOOOOO" was pleasingly comical)

The reason we all enjoyed this more than this year's playfighting is because, if we're honest, we can't resist a good crash. Now don't freak out and think I'm wishing dangerous situations upon drivers because I'm not - plus there's next to zero chance of people getting hurt in modern Formula 1 (thankfully). But it's always more fun with that possibility. And I know I'm not alone, millions of people end up on YouTube watching the more dramatic F1 crashes:

 

(I could've just put pictures, but you know you want to be viewer 1000001)

It's like what Martin was saying in the commentary, DRS takes away the desperation. With DRS, a driver can have a sensible go at the car in front and, if it doesn't work out, they only have to wait until the next lap to try again. Without it, there's the enjoyable crazy desperation that says, 'I might not be this close again' and we get to enjoy watching entertaining (if sometimes crazy) moves throughout the race. Don't get me wrong, we did see some fun fighting from Button and co. miles from the DRS zone, but it was the impossibly-easy breezing by that happened a few times that was letting this race down. I mean imagine if we'd had this kind of DRS zone in Brazil 2009 - we wouldn't have seen half of the mental moves Jenson made to wrap up the championship (particularly alongside everyone's favourite mentalist Mr. Kobayashi) and I think we can all agree that that race was where JB really earnt that title. If he'd simply sailed from 14th place to win the world championship I think there'd be a lot of sighing and raised eyebrows. Anyway, Martin Brundle (or if you're Felipe Massa, MEESTA BRUNDOO!) says it far better than me (from 09:46):

Martin calling Mark Webber 'mardy' was probably my highlight of that video, but I agree with Martin, and even Eddie - we'll have to ignore Jake on this occasion, loved Martin wincing as Jake strayed further and further from the point he intended to make. I defended DRS after the Malaysian Grand Prix because there is absolutely no point in taking away technology from Formula 1, but it just needs fine-tuning to avoid it looking like the guy in front has run out of fuel. Meesta Brundoo says it all. But he was on fire all weekend really, I mean, what a grid walk for starters. Well, he started out by showing us all how easy motorsport journalism really is, by simply shouting "JB!" in Button's ear and then following it with the journalistic prowess that is "...And?" But after the bewildered silence that followed, it was back to business as usual: elbowing people left and right, important interview topics such as Toblerone and EJ's wardrobe, and referring to Kai Ebel as a "right pain in the... microphone" (nice save). Given how bored I - like many - are getting with a certain Mr Vettel, Meesta Brundoo is looking like the lead contender for my driver of the day!

But I guess we can't not mention Seb here. My race track for this weekend says it all: well that was easy. I have to keep reminding myself that Vettel's a nice guy and an excellent driver, because no one likes a guy who wins so effortlessly. We just have to face it that, currently, that car with that driver is verging on unstoppable. I mean look at qualifying, it was both astounding and infuriating that Vettel could just sling his Red Bull around the lap once in Q3, park up, then sit back and watch the remaining minutes unfold on the television like the rest of us.

That preposterous level of ease is not going to give the tight championship battle that we all enjoyed in 2010. So I guess we just have to hope that a few things start to mix it up a bit as the season progresses - maybe upgrades from other teams, maybe some different strategy decisions for Vettel, who knows, but for now we truly have a Mini Schumi on our hands.

Over and out- oh, but seeing as I'm bothering with Twitter nowadays, feel free to send any 140 character ramblings you might have my way @F1_Obsessive (that is if you made it this far given how tl;dr this post ended up!)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Webber

RACE TRACK: Push The Button (out of your pit box) - The Sugababes

Where to begin?! Ohhh Jenson, the photoshops were appearing before the race had even finished. For those who didn't see it, Jenson "looked down" on his way into the pit lane (which I would say is fairly dangerous in general) and blundered into the Red Bull pit box... which is quite different looking. He even came to a full stop while the bewildered and BLUE-clad mechanics waved him on. I would've thought Vettel (who was right on his tail probably laughing his helmet off) would be held up just as much as Button in the kerfuffle, but alas, Seb got out in front, undoing JB's epic overtake from the start line. Here's what it all looked like:

That joke was far too easy. (http://wtf1.co.uk/post/4684892187/lol-pic-chinese-grand-prix).

And here's what it looked like if you, like I, watch far too much television:

Sorry, couldn't resist. Poor Jenson, first the Head & Shoulder's humiliation, now this. Hope he gets a good rest in the next 3 weeks anyway.

What else happened in this crazy race? Oh yes, SNEAK WEBBER! Bloody hell, seriously, where did he come from?! He joked in the press conference that he might deliver some epic fail in qualifying every race and just sail past everyone on shiny new tyres - not a terrible idea Skeletor Mark! I mean I think it's a shame that Jenson wasn't on the podium instead, especially when in the early laps JB was in P1 and Webber had failed to make an impression on anybody, but I can't really fault his performance. So instead we shall share out the humiliation and enjoy some of Mark's musical stylings for his love of milk.

Next up will be what a friend of mine affectionately calls 'Vicky's Hamilton Rant Corner'. Yes, it has it's own corner. Because what really grinds my gears is Lewis Hamilton. In general. But specifically in this race, after some of his delightful comments recently, I find him more undeserving than ever.

First off, there was a delightful and whiney interview with him in the Sun on Saturday (http://bit.ly/hb3ngB) where he claims that the Chinese people treat him like a king. I was, of course, perplexed by this - but I've solved it now. The word for 'king' in Chinese is pronounced 'wang'. That explains it. And no, I actually didn't make it up.

And then if you watched the BBC pre-amble to the race on Sunday, you might've seen an equally lovely interview with Hamilton. My favourite quote was the following (and I am actually quoting directly): "As a team, you have to rely on others to do as good a job as you, if not better, and you can never really guarantee that everyone's going to do a top job. There's always somebody, someone's performance that's not going to be as good as what it could be." Oh that's nice. We know from past experience not be surprised by Hamilton's team-bashing - remember when he hilariously mounted the back of Raikkonen's Ferrari when the pit lane light was on red in Montreal 2008? He said afterwards that his team didn't tell him the light was on red. Do you need your team to tell you to use your god damn eyes? Anyway, so this more recent interview says to me, and the world, that he thinks he's god's gift and that his team are shoddy underlings. If I was one of his mechanics and I heard that interview, I think I'd have to give him a right rear wheel à la Alguersuari (boing!). It's the blatant hypocrisy that's grinding my gears, these hideous rants in interviews, followed by laying it on thick after the race victory, all tearful and thankful. You're not thankful Lewis, you're a smug git.

And what a fine note to end on. Sadly we have 3 long weeks to wait until the next race, so I'll have to find something else to be ridiculously biased about in the meantime. Over and out!

Going Goldilocks Over Overtaking

RACE TRACK: One Way Or Another - Blondie

(One way, or another, Kobi's gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha...)

We'll start backwards today. How miniscule were those trophies?! First time in 2 years that Nick Heidfeld has gotten anywhere near a trophy and gets a fun size one? Here's Seb on the podium if you didn't see it:

Note that he isn't doing his signature finger. It must be the trophy disappointment getting him down. I mean, I know 'Baby Schumi' is only 23 but there was really no need for the toy trophy. And of course Nico Rosberg was nowhere near the podium this weekend but if he had been, it would've looked like this:

That might be the second gratuitous Rosberg insult of this fairly young blog, but never mind.

To continue in an even more backwards fashion: the post-race penalties for Alonso and Hamilton. I'm nowhere near being a Hamilton sympathiser but I couldn't really understand what the stewards were complaining about. So apparently Hamilton made more than one move across the track to defend from Alonso, but I saw no such thing and neither did the commentators. But hey, this doesn't exactly grind my gears, I'm pretty delighted that Hamilton lost 2 points from his 20 second penalty (and that Kobayashi gained them)! But Alonso gets the same penalty for "causing a collision"? What? The only damage he did was to himself; he made a mistake and was punished sufficiently with a lengthy pitstop to change the front wing. So why punish him again? If they're using this kind of rule then should Petrov get a penalty for "causing a collision" with a braking point marker?

On that note, what fun, Vitaly strikes again! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a Mark Webber? No, it's a Petrov!

Now for the overtaking discussion. Yet again we could all enjoy Kamui Kobasmashi Kobayashi being a fearless ninja, overtaking time and time again - particularly fun when Schumacher's his victim we've got to admit. But for some reason the world is still not happy. The "fans" moan that there's not enough overtaking (to be fair, apparently there were 5.93 overtakes per race in 1990, and 20 years later with aaaall the technological advancement there were only 1.15 in 2010 - tragic) and now that the FIA have introduced rules to make overtaking easier, apparently there's now too much. Or "unrealistic" overtakes. I'm sorry, but what is the problem? The phrase "procession" became synonymous with the Plague, so we've solved that problem and the races are increasingly entertaining. I'd like to think that any F1 fan would rather watch a seven-time world champion repeatedly do battle with a near-rookie, or the majestically-bearded Heidfeld snatch the podium from Princess Hamilton, than just watch Vettel cruise around at the front lap after lap. First there's not enough overtaking, now there's too much - when will it be juuust right Goldilocks?

Jenson was saying in the F1 forum after the race that the drivers can make strategic decisions using the drag reduction system (DRS), like deliberately not lapping someone in the DRS zone so that they then can't use DRS to unlap themselves immediately. Strategy is just as important to the sport as anything (I mean there have been several races in the past where all the action has been found in the pitlane rather than on the racetrack), so I can't see why people are calling for DRS to be removed because the overtakes don't feel "real". If for next season it's decided that the technology that aids drivers in races should be taken away, then 2012 is just going to be 24 guys running around in circles - or 22 if Liuzzi and Karthikeyan get a bit worn out and take 7% more time - and I can safely assume that no one wants that.

That concludes my rant for the Malaysian Grand Prix, but only a few short days until the action resumes in China - woo and yay! And as I've sung his praises yet again, to play us out, an excellent Kobayashi montage:

Dull Down Under

Warning: All this may be explained by my being tired and grumpy.

RACE TRACK: Woke Up This Morning - Alabama 3

First off, news from qualifying: congratulations to Albert Park for overcoming its menopause, as it no longer requires HRT! Nice job BBC on your not-at-all harsh graphics, crossing out the faces of Liuzzi and Karthikeyan like an assassin crosses off his hits. Only other interesting event of qualifying, Sutil trying to take over from Hamilton as top 'hoon' in Melbourne, but performing his doughnut far more gracefully (and legally) than the Aussie rozzers deemed Lewis to have last year.

And so to the race. A bit of a disappointment really, especially given the appalling hour I had to wake up.

For starters, my boys Button and Barrichello were acting very strangely.

I have no idea what on earth provoked either of them to attempt such idiotic moves, but I'd really rather they stopped the madness. I mean I was screaming at Jenson to just give it back to Massa before Alonso rolled up and the pitstops started. But no, he had his wise and experienced Mclaren strategists in his ear who decided to arse about and ask the FIA for some friendly advice instead. And as for Rubens, well the most experienced man out there seems oddly distracted by the scenery this weekend, smashing into Rosberg in the same random way that he drifted into the gravel in qualifying. Still, it's not like anyone missed Nico a great deal.

Next up in my list of disappointments, the Sauber disqualifications! My pessimistic soul became that little bit less jaded when Perez and Kobayashi came in in 7th and 8th, but that of course was snatched away after the race - something to do with their rear wings being a millimetre or so out in some dimension. A shame, because I liked Perez for being the random rookie pulling off some kind of miracle. Plus, he has some kind of Rufus (the naked mole rat from Kim Possible) vibe to him, don't you think?

(Perez is on the left by the way)

And what else really grinds my gears... oh yes, dear Mr. Camera Man, can we please focus on the race occasionally, instead of checking every five minutes whether Nicole Scherznfmkxtlzminger can still jump, hoot and clap like an ape? I'd quite like to have seen Paul di Resta being asked to move out of the way for Sutil, or the state of Hamilton the Plank Hamilton's plank, or why Webber had to dump his car immediately after the chequered flag. But never mind, she's more important.

For a dull race I've found a fair bit to rant about. I'm hoping next time around in Malaysia we might get a bit more excitement than one of Britney's Nico's pristine golden hairs being out of place. Until then, to keep us going for two weeks we have the joy of having seen a fair bit of Vitaly Petrov's sensational face.

Terrifying. Only kidding Vitaly, congratuwelldone today!

Lights Out In Bahrain!

...Or not.

RACE TRACK: I Predict A Riot - Kaiser Chiefs

So I was all set to start What Really Grinds My [F1] Gears with a review of the opener to the longest ever Formula 1 season, but it looks like I'll have to wait another couple of weeks now.

The starting grid in Bahrain looks a little less like this:

...and a bit more like this:

Still I think it's safe to say there's more overtaking. My money's on the big guy in orange. He has a certain Kobasmashi air about him don't you think?

So it's a shame I've got no race to rant about this weekend, but what really IS grinding my gears in the run-up to Melbourne is that Mclaren have apparently already decided that they're going to be crap this year. I might be half pleased that Princess Hamilton won't be getting everything he demands, but since joining Mclaren everything's just gone downhill for Jenson. Still, maybe if they keep this up Button will see sense and move teams. Silver lining!

Anyway, with no race this is hardly the best start to a blog but OH WELL. Only two weeks to go until we actually get some action, I can't wait! :D