Cucumbers At Dawn

RACE TRACK: Fernando - Abba (Sorry, couldn't resist!)

First things first: CHECO YOU LITTLE LEGEND!

For those baffled by this picture, it is merely a comparison that my warped mind made last year ('Dull Down Under'). In Melbourne, Perez amazed us by climbing from 22nd on the grid to finish in a closely-fought 8th, and only a week later we find him in an incredible second place, giving double world champion Fernando Alonso a run for his money in the final few laps. I genuinely think Sergio could've pressured him into a mistake in the closing stages... if it wasn't for his own minor wobble. I was not jumping to join the conspiracy theorists who claimed that, as a future Ferrari driver (potentially as early as the next round in China), Perez was obliged to acknowledge "Fernando is faster than you." No, Perez was gunning like hell for that first place and made a small mistake, like most drivers would under that amount of pressure (look at Sebastian 'Flawless' Vettel in Canada '11). And if I was Sergio's race engineer, I'd almost certainly be holding my breath and begging him to be careful! But enough of the conspiracy crap: Perez can be added to the long list of drivers who are showing Hamilton how you're supposed to look when you make it onto the podium...

On the left: an appropriate face to pull if you've retired after 1 lap. On the right: an appropriate face to pull if you're on the podium. As ever Lewis, despite being the envy of most of the world by earning millions doing one of the coolest jobs in existence, you manage to have a face like a slapped arse. If you were in your teammate's position, trundling miserably around in 14th, I'd understand your frustration. Here's Jenson looking hugely disappointed:

The miserable bastard. But seriously, Button gave a great and honest post-race interview. He didn't moan, he didn't blame anybody else, he just said, "I can't do anything but laugh really because it was such a horrendous race!" The only time Lewis' comments made me laugh this weekend was when he managed to say "I can't complain" about three times in one short interview. Looks like all the time the McLaren PR people have spent beating that concept into him (probably since Monaco '11) has finally paid off!

Another man in stark contrast to the diplomatic Mr Button was Sebastian 'Eternally-Cheerful' Vettel. After his wing-flinging moment with Button, poor old Karthikeyan was observing the blue flags (no Kimi, not for you) and moving out of the way of Vettel when he unfortunately clipped the Red Bull's rear tyre. The tyre disintegrated, as did Seb's race... and his patience:

I know Vettel is famous for his finger, but really. His troubles then continued with a series of baffling and contradictory team radio messages from his race engineer: "Box, box, box, we're going to retire the car, retire the car, retire the car... stay out, stay out, stay out, stay out... stop the car, stop the car, emergency, stop the car." So when he did eventually stop the car and was shoved in front of the microphones, his usual happy grin was nowhere to be seen. About the coming together with Karthikeyan he said, "As in real life, there are a few cucumbers on the road." First of all, what is Formula 1 if not real life (for him anyway)? Secondly, cucumbers?? When interviewed shortly afterwards by the BBC, he went for the word "idiots" instead, but I definitely prefer the mad imagery of his first answer. Unfortunately for Seb, #CUCUMBERGATE rumbles on, with Narain calling him "unprofessional" and a "crybaby". To add insult to injury, he's also apparently in trouble with his team for ignoring their order to stop the car, and with the FIA for the use of his other finger. I like and support Vettel, but this has not been a good weekend for him; this has been a Hamilton-at-Monaco kind of meltdown. Nicht gut, Wunderkind.


What else? I realise I'm going about this in entirely the wrong order but that's clearly how I roll. The red flag period had a fair few fun moments, as ever. Gratuitous picture number 1: hands up who wants to high-five me!

That face just screams "where's my Magnum?" (If you can bear to hear more Kimi-five/Magnum ramblings, check out my shenanigans at Top Gear here.) While the drivers conferred and stretched and scowled, the teams were busy hosting the 1st Annual B&Q Malaysian Gazebo Grand Prix, competing for titles including 'Quickest Gazebo Assembly', 'Driest Chassis' and the prestigious 'Largest And Most Compensatory Gazebo'. Some unfortunate teams had obviously spent their funding elsewhere and had to make do with a rather forlorn collection of brollies and what looked like clingfilm. And here's gratuitous picture number 2: a surly, soggy Rob Smedley (or R. Smedley if you're saying it out loud), again for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Aside from Seb's rather unfortunate tantrum, the other thing from Malaysia that really grinds my gears is the curse that appears to be following Maldonado and Grosjean around. Two weekends in a row now, Pastor has been driving well inside the top ten, when his race comes to an abrupt end in the final stages of the race. Admittedly the first time it was a driver error whilst hounding Alonso, but an engine blow out? In 2012? That's just cruel, fate. At least this time Bruno Senna was on hand to score Williams 8 points, making up 7 places to finish 6th. And as for poor Romain, he qualifies well, he starts well and then, only a few laps in, ends up in the gravel. Here's Grosjean's reaction after his incident:

Pauvre bébé. Right, that's enough rambling and teasing from me now. Late post is late but I'm still not as slow as FOM are with their race edits - success! Feel free to comment below or tweet me @F1_Obsessive - ooh, and don't forget to vote in the poll on the right: this week, your bet for the championship leader after Round 3 in China. Until then my lovelies!

"Welcome to 2009!"

RACE TRACK: Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys

I realise I am later with this race review than Kobayashi is on the brakes, but may I tentatively say... the blog is back! ...Place your bets now for when I'll go off the rails again.

But anyway: F1 IS BACK BABY! And the best part of the start of a new season for me (aside from ditching the F1 withdrawal symptoms) is the unpredictability. After a few weeks of fairly meaningless testing, where no team wanted to show their true potential, we finally get to see a new order establish itself in qualifying. I think Kimi speaks for himself, Felipe and Fernando when he says:

 

That poor a qualifying effort certainly worried Ferrari fans - and for Alonso to outqualify Massa despite being stationary and throwing a strop in the gravel, well, I think Felipe just needs a unicorn plaster on his head and a cuddle. I'm sure Rob would oblige. Or me.

To further confuse the Raikkonen fans, we find Romain Grosjean, in an identical Lotus, THIRD on the grid! Before this weekend, I was pretty indifferent to him. I felt like he had a chance to impress in F1 at Renault and had failed to - but I'm a firm believer in second chances (hope to see you soon Jaime!). To rejoin F1 after a fairly miserable first attempt, and to be driving alongside a former world champion, must be pretty damn daunting. And yet we find him beaming in the top three press conference alongside the McLaren duo! I tweeted at the time that he looked like the happiest giraffe in the zoo. This picture does nothing to refute that statement:

 

Look at his little face! When qualifying was over, I could just hear Will Buxton in the distance (from Melbourne) shrieking "SHUT UP. THAT IS RIDICULOUS."

But the other surprise of qualifying came from the man with the beautiful serial killer face, Pastor Maldonado. I'm well aware that I am the SOLE member of the Maldonado fan club, but if you can't be happy for him, be happy for Williams. Following their worst season in F1 history, to have a driver qualify as high as eighth is wonderful in my opinion. And so this weekend, what really grinds my gears is that inch or two of artifical grass that sadly brought Pastor's race to an end with only half a lap to go. 

I think it's safe to say that if my hotel room neighbours weren't already awake, they were after that happened. I know it was a driver error, but it's just a bit devastating that Williams could have had more points in that race than in the WHOLE of 2011, if it wasn't for that tiny mistake! Such a shame, but I'm looking forward to seeing what Williams can do next weekend and in the rest of the season. Other notable disappoints were the retirements of the Caterhams, the fighty Brazilian mafia of Felipe and Bruno, as well as Grosjean and Schumacher who had both been running well. But again, it was good to see some more midfield teams/drivers competing higher up the grid - I want to see more than the top 5 drivers on the podium this year!

But on with the rest of the race. In an interview with Coulthard on the grid, Jenson said it'd be difficult into Turn 1, but that he'd "give it a go". And he bloody did! The Girl With The Button Tattoo was naturally very happy with that - I reckon the race was won and lost in that first corner, and what a result! Button promptly "did a Vettel" and pulled out enough of a gap to rarely be bothered by his teammate or either racy Red Bulls. Now I'll admit Vettel was lucky with the timing of his pitstop and the safety car, but Hamilton didn't make much of an impact this race. Although I guess we should be grateful he kept his head down, like he promised? As for Button, he did try to scare us with a radio message sounding worried about a vibration and, listening to the exceptionally shouty Ben Edwards commentary, this was obviously HIGH DRAMA and Jenson was DOOOOOOMED (he did seem to like an overreaction did Ben). But it can't have been a real problem because the smooth operator Mr. Button sailed to victory uncompromised. And so, for the first race after a tortuous winter break, we have someone other than Seb on the top step of the podium! Judging by his team radio after the chequered flag, he was as happy as me about this: "Welcome to 2009!"

Also on the last lap there were plenty of reasons to be excited about the midfield battles for 2012. As Button crossed the line victorious and Maldonado exited his mangled car, the Saubers, Toro Rossos, Di Resta and Raikkonen were swapping places for the entire final lap. Perez and Raikkonen in particular had done EPIC jobs to get up into the top ten from their dismal grid slots (Sergio in last place after a penalty) and the numerous overtakes in the final turns were great!

So anyway, it really is about time I shut up (so much tl;dr) but I think it's safe to say that this was a fun race, and hopefully the start of some great battles for the 2012 season! I shall leave you with this, because they are just impossibly cute:

 

As the commentator for Star Sports said during the champagne shower, "the chemistry between these two champions is absolutely great". ...I'll let you take from that whatever you like.

Until next weekend pals! Feel free to leave a comment (agree, disagree, call me a raving lunatic - whatever you like), or tweet/follow me at @F1_Obsessive. :D