Crouching Tiger, Hidden Webber

RACE TRACK: Push The Button (out of your pit box) - The Sugababes

Where to begin?! Ohhh Jenson, the photoshops were appearing before the race had even finished. For those who didn't see it, Jenson "looked down" on his way into the pit lane (which I would say is fairly dangerous in general) and blundered into the Red Bull pit box... which is quite different looking. He even came to a full stop while the bewildered and BLUE-clad mechanics waved him on. I would've thought Vettel (who was right on his tail probably laughing his helmet off) would be held up just as much as Button in the kerfuffle, but alas, Seb got out in front, undoing JB's epic overtake from the start line. Here's what it all looked like:

That joke was far too easy. (http://wtf1.co.uk/post/4684892187/lol-pic-chinese-grand-prix).

And here's what it looked like if you, like I, watch far too much television:

Sorry, couldn't resist. Poor Jenson, first the Head & Shoulder's humiliation, now this. Hope he gets a good rest in the next 3 weeks anyway.

What else happened in this crazy race? Oh yes, SNEAK WEBBER! Bloody hell, seriously, where did he come from?! He joked in the press conference that he might deliver some epic fail in qualifying every race and just sail past everyone on shiny new tyres - not a terrible idea Skeletor Mark! I mean I think it's a shame that Jenson wasn't on the podium instead, especially when in the early laps JB was in P1 and Webber had failed to make an impression on anybody, but I can't really fault his performance. So instead we shall share out the humiliation and enjoy some of Mark's musical stylings for his love of milk.

Next up will be what a friend of mine affectionately calls 'Vicky's Hamilton Rant Corner'. Yes, it has it's own corner. Because what really grinds my gears is Lewis Hamilton. In general. But specifically in this race, after some of his delightful comments recently, I find him more undeserving than ever.

First off, there was a delightful and whiney interview with him in the Sun on Saturday (http://bit.ly/hb3ngB) where he claims that the Chinese people treat him like a king. I was, of course, perplexed by this - but I've solved it now. The word for 'king' in Chinese is pronounced 'wang'. That explains it. And no, I actually didn't make it up.

And then if you watched the BBC pre-amble to the race on Sunday, you might've seen an equally lovely interview with Hamilton. My favourite quote was the following (and I am actually quoting directly): "As a team, you have to rely on others to do as good a job as you, if not better, and you can never really guarantee that everyone's going to do a top job. There's always somebody, someone's performance that's not going to be as good as what it could be." Oh that's nice. We know from past experience not be surprised by Hamilton's team-bashing - remember when he hilariously mounted the back of Raikkonen's Ferrari when the pit lane light was on red in Montreal 2008? He said afterwards that his team didn't tell him the light was on red. Do you need your team to tell you to use your god damn eyes? Anyway, so this more recent interview says to me, and the world, that he thinks he's god's gift and that his team are shoddy underlings. If I was one of his mechanics and I heard that interview, I think I'd have to give him a right rear wheel à la Alguersuari (boing!). It's the blatant hypocrisy that's grinding my gears, these hideous rants in interviews, followed by laying it on thick after the race victory, all tearful and thankful. You're not thankful Lewis, you're a smug git.

And what a fine note to end on. Sadly we have 3 long weeks to wait until the next race, so I'll have to find something else to be ridiculously biased about in the meantime. Over and out!

Going Goldilocks Over Overtaking

RACE TRACK: One Way Or Another - Blondie

(One way, or another, Kobi's gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha...)

We'll start backwards today. How miniscule were those trophies?! First time in 2 years that Nick Heidfeld has gotten anywhere near a trophy and gets a fun size one? Here's Seb on the podium if you didn't see it:

Note that he isn't doing his signature finger. It must be the trophy disappointment getting him down. I mean, I know 'Baby Schumi' is only 23 but there was really no need for the toy trophy. And of course Nico Rosberg was nowhere near the podium this weekend but if he had been, it would've looked like this:

That might be the second gratuitous Rosberg insult of this fairly young blog, but never mind.

To continue in an even more backwards fashion: the post-race penalties for Alonso and Hamilton. I'm nowhere near being a Hamilton sympathiser but I couldn't really understand what the stewards were complaining about. So apparently Hamilton made more than one move across the track to defend from Alonso, but I saw no such thing and neither did the commentators. But hey, this doesn't exactly grind my gears, I'm pretty delighted that Hamilton lost 2 points from his 20 second penalty (and that Kobayashi gained them)! But Alonso gets the same penalty for "causing a collision"? What? The only damage he did was to himself; he made a mistake and was punished sufficiently with a lengthy pitstop to change the front wing. So why punish him again? If they're using this kind of rule then should Petrov get a penalty for "causing a collision" with a braking point marker?

On that note, what fun, Vitaly strikes again! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a Mark Webber? No, it's a Petrov!

Now for the overtaking discussion. Yet again we could all enjoy Kamui Kobasmashi Kobayashi being a fearless ninja, overtaking time and time again - particularly fun when Schumacher's his victim we've got to admit. But for some reason the world is still not happy. The "fans" moan that there's not enough overtaking (to be fair, apparently there were 5.93 overtakes per race in 1990, and 20 years later with aaaall the technological advancement there were only 1.15 in 2010 - tragic) and now that the FIA have introduced rules to make overtaking easier, apparently there's now too much. Or "unrealistic" overtakes. I'm sorry, but what is the problem? The phrase "procession" became synonymous with the Plague, so we've solved that problem and the races are increasingly entertaining. I'd like to think that any F1 fan would rather watch a seven-time world champion repeatedly do battle with a near-rookie, or the majestically-bearded Heidfeld snatch the podium from Princess Hamilton, than just watch Vettel cruise around at the front lap after lap. First there's not enough overtaking, now there's too much - when will it be juuust right Goldilocks?

Jenson was saying in the F1 forum after the race that the drivers can make strategic decisions using the drag reduction system (DRS), like deliberately not lapping someone in the DRS zone so that they then can't use DRS to unlap themselves immediately. Strategy is just as important to the sport as anything (I mean there have been several races in the past where all the action has been found in the pitlane rather than on the racetrack), so I can't see why people are calling for DRS to be removed because the overtakes don't feel "real". If for next season it's decided that the technology that aids drivers in races should be taken away, then 2012 is just going to be 24 guys running around in circles - or 22 if Liuzzi and Karthikeyan get a bit worn out and take 7% more time - and I can safely assume that no one wants that.

That concludes my rant for the Malaysian Grand Prix, but only a few short days until the action resumes in China - woo and yay! And as I've sung his praises yet again, to play us out, an excellent Kobayashi montage: