Hungary Hungary Hamilton

RACE TRACK: Back To The Start - Razorlight

We'll start with the start today (chronological order, who'd have thought?), because there we witnessed quite the display of senility from a certain Mr Schumacher. Here's a view of the first attempted race start from fans in the grandstand:

So all 24 cars had set off on their warm-up lap at the Hungaroring and all the drivers were taking up their starting positions, ready for lights out. Except Michael Schumacher. He qualified a dismal 17th, but he must've been feeling self-deprecating as he pulled up in the 19th slot on the grid. Now I'm sure it must be difficult, when all the grid slots look the same and you've got a million things to think about in the cockpit of your F1 car... but surely you'd see that inviting, empty space right in front of you? But no, Michael was happy with 19th apparently and awaited the 5 red lights like the rest of the field. At this point, one can assume that poor Narain Karthikeyan was meandering about in no man's land, looking for a 25th grid slot to park his HRT. So with the back few rows all out of position, Charlie Whiting initiated a second warm-up lap, with flashing yellow lights on the gantry.

Now this is a pretty rare circumstance, so a few drivers were understandably confused by the proceedings - you can see from the video that several of the less experienced drivers were hesitant when setting off for the second time. But for some bizarre reason, the seven-time world champion got himself even more confused and promptly switched off his engine. Right, that makes sense. See an empty grid slot in front of you? Never mind that. See all cars in front of you driving off slowly? Turn off the engine, obviously. I might sound a bit harsh here, but you'd expect this sort of cock-up perhaps from an inattentive rookie, but not the most experienced driver on the grid!

And as if his race couldn't get any worse, when the Mercedes crew raced down the grid to push Schumacher's stricken car into the pitlane (hopefully in time for the proper start of the race), he reportedly picked up a puncture on a drain. So despite trying his very best to bugger up his race by leaving his brain at home, a healthy dose of bad luck was there to kick him when he was down. Strange, strange start to a race.

Now I have to say, it wasn't the most fascinating of races. The Hungaroring is never an easy place to overtake, but it seemed like all the position changes took place thanks to pit stops, rather than out on track. Although there was an inbetweeny moment between the Lotus drivers, when Grosjean was heading into the first corner as Raikkonen exited the pits.

This was on lap 46, and whichever Lotus driver came out in front would likely be the only challenger to the leader, Hamilton. Romain might have had his tyres up to temperature, but Kimi had the inside line. It's always stressful when two drivers you like/support/are emotionally invested in get that close to each other on track, but sensible driving from the pair of them meant that the gentle nudge merely pushed Grosjean wide and didn't cause either car any damage. I'll be honest: I would have been DELIGHTED if it was the happy giraffe scampering after Hamilton, but Kimi earned that strong second place and it was great to see both the Lotus guys on the podium - the delicious bread of a rather unsavoury sandwich. Romain was, of course, predictably miserable at having lost out on second - or possibly first - place:

Seriously. This was his face when he was explaining that he was "not such happy" and "not happy at all" with finishing third after fighting for the win for the most part of the race. Not such happy?!

Elsewhere on the circuit, Sebastian Vettel had apparently become bored of being a racing driver. Lapping behind Jenson Button, Vettel radioed his race engineer saying, "I can go much faster than him, so do something." Erm, I think the doing of things is meant to be down to you? I'm sure it was only said in the frustration of the moment, but it did cause a fair few raised eyebrows where I was watching, at F1 In Pubs. I'm not one of the people that insist Seb can't overtake, but comments like that will not help eliminate that opinion of him. Dear me, Seb and Jenson just can't seem to keep away from each other these past few races...

Cute cute cute. Gratuitous Sebson because boring race was boring. 

Aside from gratuitous, borderline-irrelevant pictures, what else is a regular feature of this blog? OH YES, defiantly defending Pastor! This week's 'victim' was Paul di Resta. In my view, this was a similar 'incident' (if you can call it that) to the Lotus drivers duelling at Turn 1. One driver had the inside line into the corner (Raikkonen and Maldonado), whilst the other was pushed wide (Grosjean and di Resta). The only difference I can see is that Pastor and Paul (that sounds like a really dire TV programme) made contact very slightly, where the Lotus cars did not. The end result in both circumstances was identical: no damage to either car and both still close together on track, with the possibility of swapping positions. And yet, poor Pastor Maldonado received a drive-through penalty for the 'collision' that barely even happened, ruining his race and any chance he had of a point or two. I know I defend him every race weekend, but sometimes I can see sense in punishing him (Valencia, for example). This week, however, I completely disagree. I've said before that I believe the main point of a penalty is to make the suffering equitable for both drivers involved. So if you give someone a puncture and carry on unhindered, you deserve a penalty to punish you in the same way that the other driver was. But Paul didn't suffer at all. He was slow at the time and was inevitably going to be overtaken by a car or two. Yes, Pastor nudged him ever so slightly during his overtaking manoeuvre, but no damage was done! I think if the stewards want to set a precedent for dishing out a penalty every time that F1 cars touch each other, despite no damage being caused, then they're going to end up awfully busy. Romain speaks sense on this sort of subject: despite being very unhappy with losing his position to Kimi, he refers to their coming together as "racing". And that's what we love! So I really hope that Pastor's 'previous' with the stewards isn't having an impact on some of their decisions, because I think, in this case certainly, a penalty was completely unnecessary.

As for the other Williams, Bruno Senna had a belter of a race! He got his race weekend off to a great start by qualifying ninth, ahead of both Mercedes, both Force Indias and even Mark Webber. Bruno was then feisty for the entire duration of the Grand Prix and finished in a great seventh place, only a couple of seconds behind Jenson Button. He might not have spent as long at the very front of the field this year as his teammate, but Bruno Senna has shown some great driving ability and delivered good, consistent finishes. I know it's Pastor that I'm usually raving about, but I really rate Bruno as well. Just as it annoys me that people seem to pick on certain drivers for bringing money to their team (erm, they all do), it infuriates me that people claim Bruno is only in F1 because of his name, and that he's 'not as good as Ayrton'. Why should he have to be compared to his uncle? You can't expect that of him. You wouldn't expect Ralf to be the same as Michael, or Nico to be the same as Keke. I think Senna's performance at the Hungarian Grand Prix has shut a few people up on that subject, so I hope to see him at the front of the grid again in the second half of the season - is a podium too much to hope for? I hope not.

Gratuitous naked time because... because Bruno Senna.

Aaaaaanyway, that's enough ranting and rambling. Having been welcomed into the Fan Formula family, I spouted even more gibberish on the Hungarian Grand Prix on YouTube, so you can see my 'Hungaroboring' video here and the neatly edited group opinions video here. I also had the huge pleasure once more of watching the GP with the delightfully mad Tiff and David at the Après bar in Birmingham, as well as plenty of other F1 fans there for F1 In Pubs. I thoroughly recommend it if you can find a venue near to you, as it is bloody brilliant.

And I think that's it from me. I hope you all enjoy/survive the F1 summer break, and of course I'll still be tweeting away despite no F1 action at @F1_Obsessive. I shall leave you with the greatest picture to emerge from this race weekend, or possibly EVER: a member of the Lotus team completely trolling and ruining the McLaren celebratory team photo.

 All the awards, Lotus. Amazing. Right, I'm off, see you in Spa!

Dodging Debris In Deutschland

RACE TRACK: Radio Gaga - Queen

There were certainly some interesting broadcasts on the team radio during this race... Highlights were from the McLaren boys this time, with Lewis' rather pessimistic suggestion that they retire the car, and Jenson's sarcastic, indirect message to Charlie Whiting regarding Sebastian Vettel's questionable overtake.

But it was Felipe Massa who kicked it all off in Hockenheim, parting company with his front wing on the first lap.

Perhaps he was just missing Rob already. But anyway, the debris from this incident (that we never really saw) was littering the track but the FIA decided, hey, don't worry about it, and the race continued. Victims of the bits and bobs of prancing horse other than Felipe himself included Bruno Senna, Romain Grosjean and, the nation's sweetheart, Lewis Hamilton. All four of these drivers ended up trundling about with the backmarkers, having been forced to pit for various repairs. Seeing him towards the back of the field, the delightful Massa conspiracy theorists piped up once more, but I'd like to point out that he finished the race in 12th. Now although this isn't a points finish, Felipe actually did brilliantly to work his way through the field. As for the other three, the best they could muster was 17th, 18th and a DNF. So actually, despite some trials and tribulations, a nice fight back from Massa. Celebratory smack on the arse for you, Felipe baby. (You go Felipe baby.)

And now onto Lewis Hamilton race which, for the most part, was rather amusing - for his fans as well as his sceptics. So after picking up a puncture from the debris, Hamilton ended up a lap down on the front runners. In a rather out of character moment, he radioed to the McLaren pit wall saying he felt they "should retire the car" after only 2 racing laps - a strange message, somewhat reminiscent of Fernando Alonso's (in)famous "I give up, I give up" during last year's Korean Grand Prix. But the McLaren boys must have insisted that Lewis earn some of his millions for a few more laps, because he carried on until lap 56 before parking up in the garage. But before then, Hamilton was confusing the rest of the grid left, right and centre. Poor Vitaly Petrov apparently accidentally let Hamilton past, assuming that, having seen a McLaren in his mirrors, he must be being lapped rather than racing for position. Then, further up the road, perhaps forgetting that he was racing for about 20th position rather than 2nd, Lewis began to duel with the leaders - much to their annoyance.

Seb has been known for some... unfriendly hand gestures towards back markers, but this time I think it was pretty justified. And not just because it's Notorious H.A.M. Of course, everybody has a right to unlap themselves if they have the speed, otherwise they'd never get anywhere. But I think in this situation, Hamilton didn't have enough speed to unlap and then pull sufficiently away, out of the blue flag zone. In reality, Hamilton swooped past Vettel and promptly loitered about right in front of him, instantly inviting the blue flags (and the hand gestures) yet again. Was he genuinely thinking he could begin hunting down those in front while staying on the lead lap? Or had he had a mental abberation and was reverting back to fighting with his more usual company? I could suggest that he was part of a McLaren strategy to hold up Vettel and allow Jenson Button to catch up, but putting his teammate above himself would be even further out of character for Lewis. In this instance, I'd put it down to a bit of trolling - and I'm not complaining really, it probably did inadvertently help Button to chase down Vettel and it was certainly a laugh, but I'm quite surprised the stewards didn't have a quiet word with him about the concept of blue flags. Maybe he should have asked Kimi.

But now from Vettel the victim to Vettel the villain! Having just made it out in front of Seb after a round of pit stops, Jenson was happily cruising about in 2nd place (a dizzyingly high position given some of his performances lately), until a badly flat-spotted tyre sent him back into Vettel's clutches. But instead of having a little patience (he is an F1 driver, after all), Sebastian rather cocked up his attempted overtake, and gained second place with all four wheels completely off the circuit.

It's difficult to form a coherent opinion when the FIA have zero consistency, but the go-to argument is that the white lines define the circuit. Article 20.2 of the FIA sporting regulations (look at me, coming over all technical, like) states that "drivers must use the track at all times. For the avoidance of doubt, the white lines defining the track edges are considered to be part of the track, but the kerbs are not." Well Vettel wasn't even on the kerb, he was completely on the run-off area when he pulled in front of Button. I admit that Sebastian would easily have gotten past Jenson before the end of the race, but this overtake was completely illegal. And I think both drivers knew it; Jenson's sarcastic radio message and Seb's rather awkward demeanour on the podium were clear signs of this.

And the stewards eventually worked all this out after the race (better late than never) and issued Vettel a 20 second time penalty. This promoted Button to 2nd, Raikkonen to 3rd (ideal situation for Kimi: all the points of a podium finish without the tedious interview) and Kamui Kobayashi to an excellent 4th place finish for Sauber.

This race result was what Jenson Button really needed. Being back on the podium, getting some good points and showing he can still race. After so many dismal races with only a tiny smattering of points, Button really impressed this weekend, showing us plenty of badass overtaking moves that reminded us of the fast and feisty Jenson we know and love.

In other somewhat positive McFail McLaren news: it seems they finally got their act together and set an all-time record pit stop (stationary) time of 2.31 seconds. Blink and you'll miss it...

This is, of course, ridiculously impressive, but I really hope McLaren don't think their work here is done. A one-off, blisteringly quick pit stop doesn't make up for all the previous bumbling efforts of 2012 so far - I'm sure Lewis Hamilton can agree with me here, as Button enjoyed this record-breaking speed in the pits while Hamilton's had the brunt of McLaren's amateur hour pit stops. What we need now from McLaren is some consistency - if they can do frequent pit stops around the 3 second mark, as opposed to 5, 10, 15 second efforts with an occasional 2.4 thrown in, then they'll be back up to the proper standard of their end of the pit lane.

What else? Oh yeah, Fernando Alonso won! He was so dominant that I pretty much forgot about him. Not much to say about it really, other than he is certainly looking damn near unbeatable in the championship as we pass the halfway point of the season. In other news from the Spanish-speaking contingent: Pastor Maldonado didn't hit anyone! Hurray!

Gold star, sweetheart. He might have only finish 15th and a lap down, but at least I can have a break from rigorously defending him every race weekend. I suspect Gabriela succeeded in helping him relax this time. No doubt he'll be back to his usual mad shenanigans soon, to entertain and frustrate us in equal measure.

Finally, I figure I should mention the excellent shindig I had while watching this Grand Prix. Bit of a link-tastic paragraph, but let's just go with it. I was at F1 In Pubs again (the Birmingham division) where a raucous and most bodacious time was had by all. This time, I had company from Twitter pals Dom and David, who roped me into a rather insane GROUP edition of Fan Formula! I thoroughly recommend both F1 In Pubs, for a great place to watch a GP with fellow (equally-mad) F1 fans, and Fan Formula (to contribute or just watch) for a brilliant format for F1 opinions. So if you just can't get enough mad waffling about the German Grand Prix, head over to YouTube to watch our ramblings, live from the pub - part 1 here and part 2 here.

Anyway, I have rambled on long enough now. As always, you can leave your comments below, tweet me @F1_Obsessive, and now you can also have a gander at my new YouTube channel, where I'll be uploading Fan Formula entries each week. So I hope you enjoyed the German Grand Prix, and I'll see you next time for Hungaroring - byeeeeeeeeeee!

Not-So-Great British Drivers

RACE TRACK: I'm Only Happy When It Rains - Garbage

Hard to believe that, after the rain-soaked chaos of Friday and Saturday (on and off the track), we had a completely dry race! A wonderful reprieve for the brave souls at the circuit of course but, for those of us safely ensconced in front of the TV, a bit of slipping and sliding come race day wouldn't have gone amiss. But despite the dry running there was plenty of action to discuss, so on with the show...

Firstly, congratuwelldone to Mark Webber for being only the second double-winner this season! Of course he celebrated his win in typical mental fashion:

I dread to think what his passport photo looks like. Good ol' Mark, providing us with ridiculous material for photoshopping since 2002.

This first section will contain a small amount of casual Red Bull fangirling, before we get into the usual torrent of rants. Not only did RBR have the wonderful Simon Pegg as a guest this weekend (who, when Webber took the lead, appeared to be TRAPPED IN A plastic GLASS CASE OF EMOTION), but they also had the most stunning livery.

It's not just 25,000 pretty faces, it raised over €1 million for Red Bull's Wings For Life charity. So it was certainly an added bonus for the thousands of donors that they were able to accompany Mark Webber as he took the chequered flag at Silverstone. For both drivers to finish on the podium even with all those people in the cockpit with them (ooer) is quite an amazing result. And so, cue Mark's jet-propelled podium jump, Seb cheekily pouring champagne onto Jackie Stewart's head and the various presenters and pundits having to bellow over the top of the exceptionally loud music coming from the Red Bull garage.

Onto rather more useless teams: McLaren strike again! Supposedly the second best team on the 2012 grid, both McLaren cars showed an alarming lack of pace throughout the entire weekend. I'll point out at this stage that being a Jenson Button fan is not the same as being a McLaren fan. Jenson's qualifying was yet another dismal affair, resulting in him starting from a lowly 16th place on the grid. In the past few Grands Prix, Button has been diagnosed by some with the Felipe Massa Effect (please note: I despise this concept, merely referencing what I've heard), of losing your mojo alongside a superstar teammate (I, however, rooted out his problem from his facial hair). But at Silverstone, the mediocrity reached Lewis Hamilton as well. At least Button managed to work his way up 6 places to 10th and earn himself 1 world championship point (THRILLING) - Hamilton couldn't gain on his start position at all. And aside from the downright lack of pace, yet again the strategy wasn't all there. Hamilton was on the radio saying "we shouldn't have covered Grosjean, he's much faster than me" only a few moments before the giraffe in the Lotus galloped right past him. So a very poor showing from MEHcLaren, and as for the other British driver, well he wobbled off the track in the first lap. ...Not the best showing in front of the home fans, boys.


But I suppose one consolation for McLaren fans (hello? anybody out there?) is that they didn't have the worst pit stop of the weekend. That award, sadly, goes to Kamui Kobayashi and Sauber.

I am very glad to report that none of the Sauber pit crew were seriously hurt, although apparently one mechanic is receiving treatment for an injured thumb - get well soon! Hopefully Kamui will get back to his usual method of KKing people next time out...

Now I suppose it's time for my semi-regular segment: tirelessly and defiantly defending Pastor Maldonado! For the record, I'll just point out that I really like Sergio Perez too. He's a good driver, interesting on strategy and I wish he'd won in Malaysia. But I think sweet little Checo might have overreacted just a tiiiny bit after his retirement from the race following this incident with Pastor:

Yes, it was an unfortunate incident, and Maldonado hasn't exactly had the best record for clean races this year, but... you can see he's lost control of the car before the contact with Perez. Even if the Sauber hadn't been there, I think Maldonado would have lost it in that corner and spun off. So I find it difficult to agree with Sergio's slightly mad rant where he called Pastor a "stupid and dangerous driver" and worried that he "could hurt someone". I understand that tensions run high so soon after a frustrating incident, but sadly this has fuelled a lot more blind hatred for the Venezuelan. I think he just hasn't had the chance to build up a fanbase that contains more than just me. If he had anything like the number of insane fans that Lewis Hamilton has built up over the years, Maldonado's driving would merely be 'aggressive' and it would win their hearts. Let's just be grateful he hasn't said he's being picked on because he's Latino. But really, I only hope that Pastor can have a few good, clean races in the weeks to come, so that people might remember his mighty drive to his maiden victory in Spain, rather than the recent dodgy incidents. ...Plus if he stops crashing about, I can stop ranting on and on defending him! Because someone in the one-person fan club has got to.

Huge thanks to @F1ML for bringing to life the equal-parts brilliant and terrifying image of my Pastor Pom Poms!

Now I'm throwing my second mini-rant in here, so that we can end on something nicer... the British Biased Coverage was making me rather angry this weekend. I'm not talking about the focus being on the British drivers, because that makes sense and of course they'll do the same at every circuit with the driver(s) from that country. I'm referring to the fanatical lunacy that Jake Humphrey championed at Silverstone on the BBC. Encouraging support for specific (British) drivers is all well and good, but Humphrey decided that it would be a good laugh to get the (predominantly sane) British fans to pick which (non-British) drivers they hated the most and boo them. ...Really? Really, Jake? So of course Lewis' best mates Fernando and Pastor were getting a fair bit of a abuse, spurred on by the prominent Hamilton brown-noser Mr Humphrey. Even worse than this were the representatives of the worst kind of F1 fans on Twitter, some of whom even threatened to kill Pastor Maldonado if he 'touched' their beloved Lewis (why is it always Lewis fans being mentally deranged?). I was pleased, however, to see that this particular comment was met with much disgust online. Of course we all have our favourite and our least favourite drivers but, after a weekend of a very shoddily organised British sporting event, I don't think Silverstone 2012 needed to be remembered for anti-British hate-spewing as well.

I'd apologise for the excessive ranting, but I imagine you come here expecting it. Or you've blundered onto here by mistake, in which case: HI! Sorry!

But let's end on a more cheery note: Felipe baby is back in action!

As I said before, I find Felipe-bashing deeply upsetting, so having him back on good form in the past few races has been glorious. Felipe managed to bring his Ferrari home in 4th place and pulled off a fair few badass overtaking moves throughout the race. As I'm still bitter about Brazil 2008, him being back in points-paying positions is lovely to see. Here's hoping he can repeat these recent good performances in the rest of the season, and maybe soon we'll be hearing 'Fernando, Felipe is faster than you'.

Anyway, that's all from me. The ranting has gone on long enough. Is anyone even still reading? WELL DONE YOU. If you like, you can follow me on Twitter @F1_Obsessive, where I spout this kind of rubbish aaall day long. See you next time for the German Grand Prix!

Alternator Aggravator

RACE TRACK: Spanish Stroll - Mink DeVille

...Because even when he's coming from 11th on the grid, Fernando makes it looks easy. And so, we didn't get a record-breaking eighth different winner in the first eight races, because Magic Alonso stormed to victory in Valencia, taking his second win of the 2012 season and securing a 20 point lead in the drivers' championship.

His trackside celebrations in front of the predominantly Spanish crowd were fun. I mean, usually the FIA don't even let you touch anything before being weighed to ensure all regulations are met, so it was nice to see some post-race shenanigans from Fernando. Driving along with the Spanish flag, dancing about with the marshalls, and eventually being dragged away to the slightly delayed podium after several minutes' unauthorised frolicking.

When he eventually made it onto the top step, we were greeted with a blast from the past, seeing Alonso, Raikkonen and Schumacher in the top three finishing positions.

 

Some fun facts for you regarding this very successful trio...

• These three drivers have now shared the podium on 5 different occasions.
• In all these instances, Fernando Alonso has been on the top step, with Kimi Raikkonen taking the second place spot twice, to Michael Schumacher's three times.
• Between them, they have TEN world drivers' championships - 7 for Michael of course, 2 for Fernando and 1 for Kimi.
• This trio also have every WDC between the years of 2000 and 2007.
• All three have driven for Ferrari during their careers, although Fernando Alonso is yet to win a championship with them.

So yes, a rather retro podium, but lovely to see Fernando's emotional celebrations, Kimi getting another good points finish, and Michael finally getting a bit of luck! But onto the rest of the race now...

I'd say it's pretty rare that we see reliability problems in more recent years, but this race had 2 major retirements due to alternator failure. Of course (as regular readers and my Twitter followers will have come to expect) my heart broke into a million pieces when the legendary giraffe Monsieur Grosjean slowed to a halt after 41 of the 57 laps. All the more devastating given that he was within a second of the leader when it happened, he was potentially our 8th different winner!

His reaction was classic Romain: a shrug of mild disappointment, and then immediately back to his usual, smiley self as he walked back to the garage. A slightly more extreme reaction came from Sebastian Vettel who, a few laps earlier, had retired from the race with what turned out to be the exact same issue. We've seen one or two stroppy moments from the reigning world champion since he's not been dominating the races like he used to (such as Cucumbergate and the use of his other finger in Malaysia) and, after his retirement from this race, he provided us with a frustrated but rather jazzy glove slap. Cue the remixed GIFs - and feel free to add some dance music in your head.

But my 'most twatty flamboyant reaction of the race' award goes, naturally, to Lewis Hamilton. I'm sure the McLaren budgeting department winced a lot when he threw his £50,000 steering wheel out of his car in annoyance after his collision with Pastor Maldonado on the penultimate lap of the race. Literally throwing (very expensive) toys out the pram (/cockpit).

I guess my rant of the race will have to be on that Hamilton/Maldonado incident. I tweeted and tweeted about it at the time, but there's no point in stopping now. First of all, let's remember that both drivers ended up with nil points where they might've had 15 or 12. And so both of them lost out equally, if not slightly less lost for Hamilton as his tyres were going off the cliff anyway. But the main point really is that they both COULD have chosen to act differently in that split second to avoid the collision. Hamilton could've left space for Maldonado on the track. Maldonado could have cut the corner completely rather than trying to rejoin straight away. Hamilton could've anticipated Maldonado rejoining the track at that moment and gone a little bit wide to leave some space. But they didn't. And to be honest, I didn't really expect them to, because they're racing drivers. Of course neither one of them wants to yield to another driver, it's their natural instinct to fight to win. And yes, sometimes this attitude causes avoidable accidents, but that's motor racing. Plus, in that moment, they have the tiniest fraction of a second to decide where to look, which pedal to push, which buttons to press, and which direction to steer. So I don't think either driver is to blame really. They both made a decision that wasn't the most sensible, and they both paid for it. Although I think of it as a racing incident, I suppose Maldonado's penalty is reasonable as it gives him a result equal to Hamilton (0 points) - it would've been quite cheeky if Pastor had gotten a point out of all this. But mad Hamilton fans the people calling for him to be banned from Formula 1 for dangerous driving... well they obviously haven't seen any of Lewis' driving. Anyway, I really should shut up on this now, but that's my view. If you disagree, we can agree to do so, that's fine (and feel free to put forward your opinion in the comments), but let's not try and force each other to change our views. Because that is truly maddening. Ok? Ok.

As for the rest of the race... well I forgot we were in Valencia for sure! There was actually overtaking - although some more successful than others. Obviously JEV's cutting across Heikki stands out as maddest move of the race (some nice expletives from KOV in the official race edit), not to mention how fast he was driving with that severely punctured tyre. Although at the time, I was desperate for a safety car to give Vettel some company at the front again, so no complaints really.

What else? Well it was good to see the Lotuses/Loti/Kimi-and-Romain doing very well, both drivers making some excellent passes - think it could've been a Lotus 1-2 if things had happened differently... but you know I don't do what-ifs! And more LOLZ at the outstanding McLaren pit crew, as Hamilton's reserve front jack man did a nervous jig trying to work out if he was needed. It must've been amateur hour in the Valencian pitlane because there were dodgy stops from more than just McLaren for once, even some mismatched tyres on one car.

So overall, the European Grand Prix was a pleasant surprise. Usually we all expect to doze off like we're watching a Paul di Resta interview or something, but 2012 offered a good amount of race action. But that's all from me for now! Feel free to follow me on Twitter @F1_Obsessive aaaaaand I'll see you next time for the British Grand Prix - where perhaps the Jubilee/regal theme of 2012 will rub off on Silverstone and provide race vehicles more like this...

Tyred All The Time

RACE TRACK: 7 - Arctic Monkeys

For the first time in the history of Formula 1, there have been 7 different winners of the opening 7 races of the season. Some guy with an American accent and a chinstrap won apparently. Moving on...

What a difference the tyres make! While two double world champions had to make the choice between limping to the finish on a badly worn set of tyres, or losing time in the pits for fresh ones, a couple of young whippersnappers were able to cruise up and onto the podium. So thanks, Pirelli, for providing us with some surprise wildlife (other than the usual marmots) in the top three, in the form of Sergio 'Naked Mole Rat' Perez and Romain 'Giraffe' Grosjean!

Apologies to those of a nervous disposition, I forgot that this picture contains Martin Whitmarsh in a champagne-soaked shirt.

So we already knew that Checo is the king of the one-stop strategy, but he sure as hell came out of nowhere in Montreal. Starting in a very lowly 15th position, Perez was fairly invisible on the world feed for most of the race. But suddenly, with a few laps to go, Vettel has dived into the pits, Alonso is slipping back on old tyres, and Sergio has gone from grid slot number 15, to 15 points for a third place finish. And as for Romain, he started a respectable 7th, stayed out of trouble and miraculously appeared behind the ailing Alonso in the closing stages. The galloping giraffe dispatched the Spaniard with ease and achieved his highest ever finish in F1.

Many thanks to Nicola for sending me this amazing photo. Proof that Romain IS the happiest man (/giraffe) alive: you can still see his enormous grin even when he's wearing a helmet. Brilliant. Also, given the slightly weird angle, it looks like the Lotus man has a leg for an arm, don't you think? ...I think I've looked at this picture for too long.

So it was a two-thirds lovely podium for me. However much I'd like some of the front runners (Button, Vettel, Alonso), I'm always delighted to see drivers from (supposedly) lower down the grid doing well. I say lower down but, in the current standings, Grosjean is actually 8 points ahead of Button! As a loyal Jenson fan, I wish he could've done well in this race. And as a childish moron, I wish he'd finished first so that the top three would read: BUTGROPER. More on the curious case of Jenson Button later...

But now for a bad F1 joke: how many Mercedes mechanics does it take to close a moveable rear wing?

Michael's clearly invited a black cat to be his mascot and has been going round smashing mirrors - I bet he went to smash something or other after this FIFTH retirement from seven races. And as Schumacher seems to be a key feature in something that is grinding my gears, I shall take this moment to have my little rant about 'what if' scenarios. I did tweet about this already, but I'm saying it here in a few more characters. This isn't a rant at Schumacher - more at his fans, or rather ANY fans that consider ridiculous hypothetical situations to be factual in order to claim their driver's brilliance. Somebody has worked out that Michael Schumacher would currently be leading the championship if it wasn't for pit stop errors, reliability issues and general misfortune. Ok, sure, he's had a few races where he's been running well before having a problem. But having a 'what if' in which you change every outcome of every race is, as James Hunt would say, bullshit. If we're going to do that then we might as well say Narain Karthikeyan could/would/should be top of the drivers' standings. By all means, keep supporting/defending your favourite driver(s) in good times and bad, but please do so in the real world rather than the alternate universe you've created for them.

So the Canadian Grand Prix wasn't a patch on the EPIC that was last year's. But what's bugging me more is that neither is Jenson Button. Which brings me to this exceptionally modest comment:

I have successfully identified Jenson's problem. And I have a solution.

It's not what you think. It's not grip or balance, understeer or oversteer, not even the dreaded 'happy bubble' being popped. No... it's the facial hair. I'm only half joking. To explain, here are some examples from the Button Beard Database (BBDB).

Left: The all-over Jenson Button face fuzz that we know and love. This look was a constant throughout 2009 - a championship-winning beardy item, worthy of his 95 points.

Centre: A tad less raggedy, but still recognisably similar to the 09 spec. Button put world champion Vettel under pressure in the wet to take a stunning victory, despite having been through the pits 6 times - 25 points for the win.

Right: Face fuzz still all over, although more refined than the old days. Jenson took his pole-sitting teammate into the first corner and got his 2012 championship challenge off to the perfect start - 25 points and top of the tables.

Left: First sighting of the very dodgy, Damon Hill-esque facial hair. Trundled home in 9th place and, when asked about his race, said "I was just slow" - a lowly 2 points for that effort.

Centre: Hill impression still going strong, although looking slightly less two-tone. Button retired after repeated collisions with the Caterham of Heikki Kovalainen - classified 16th, worth nil points.

Right: I had my hopes up on Saturday having seen some Brawn-era facial hair as Jenson miraculously made it into Q3. But the fool must've shaved before the race and the clean-shaven look did nothing for him. Came home in 16th and a lap down - yet another zero on the scoreboard.

And so, the answer is clear: BRING BACK THE 2009 FACIAL HAIR. It might seem silly, but the evidence I've compiled proves it - there really is a direct correlation between the state of his beardy item and his race results. As much as I'd love to see an eighth different winner (preferably Romain, Kimi or Felipe), Button needs to get back to his winning ways and start climbing his way up from eighth in the championship standings. If he wants to do that 'W' again, he's got to start fixing the facial hair.

So I suppose this concludes my (frankly ridiculous) race review. Compared to previous years, 2012 didn't provide a great deal of action in Canada - nobody even smashed into the Wall Of Champions during the race! But just for fun, here is a great video of how to crash into said wall like a boss:

And on that unrelated note I suppose I should bid you farewell. Oohh, I should probably mention that the lovely @lookingspiffy runs a far more professional blog reviewing the facial hair of F1 drivers (of high importance, this) at #F1BEARDWATCH, so you should definitely go check that out. As for me, you can tweet/follow me on Twitter (if you dare) @F1_Obsessive aaaand don't forget to vote in this week's poll (above right) about your favourite 2012 liveries. Until next time - the excitement overload that is Valencia - byeeeee!

So-So Slow Monaco

RACE TRACK: Twisting By The Pool - Dire Straits

You can pretty much tell how exciting the Grand Prix was when my Race Track ends up being based on POST-race action. And I couldn't use 'Grace Kelly' because hate-spewing newspapers would likely overreact and demand for me to be sacked from the internet. Sigh. Anyway...

Congratuwelldone, waltzing Matilda Mark Webber, for winning in Monaco, for being our sixth different winner in a crazy, mixed-up season and mainly, for successfully going FORWARDS at the start - gold star for you Mark! Surprisingly, the one trundling off the start line was actually king of bling Mr. Hamilton. This didn't have a huge detrimental effect on his race, but the knock-on effect behind him caused an upsetting natural phenomenon: a sad giraffe Romain Grosjean.

That little face just breaks my heart. So basically, a slow-starting Hamilton meant many of the cars behind him (Alonso, Massa, Schumacher and Grosjean in particular) were short of space and attempting to go four abreast into the first corner. Alas, four into one doesn't go and the giraffe for whom we had high hopes ended up sideways across the track. Most cars managed to get past unscathed, although Kamui Kobasmashi did collide slightly with the stricken Lotus, leading to this fantastic shot of Kamui being called back to his home planet:

These F1 drivers are getting a taste for flying aren't they? Kobayashi joins frequent flyers Petrov and Webber in an ever-growing group of drivers who are somewhat lacking in downforce. Unfortunately, on his way down, Kamui 'KKed' Button by landing on top of him - only the first of Jenson's problems in his truly miserable race.

Further back in the field, Maldonado put to good use the driving lessons he's recently had from Michael Schumacher, by quite severely rear-ending the HRT of Pedro de la Rosa having barely crossed the start/finish line. Am I back to being the only member of the Maldonado fan club? ...Thought so.

So overall a very disappointing start from my point of view, although it was lovely to see Felipe Massa keeping up with his teammate AND the other front four drivers from the start. As for the Grosjean incident, I can't really say any one driver was to blame - not even Hamilton (look at me, so mature) - it's just Monaco, baby. I should point out at this stage that Tiff & I had met up to watch this race together, with the Birmingham division of F1 In Pubs. Safe to say that the two of us combined were certainly a ranting, raving, fangirling force to be reckoned with. Sincere apologies to those in the same room/city/country as us when Giraffe crashed out - our screams could likely be heard from space.

On with the rest of the racing... or the lack of it. Over the years, I think we've come to realise that, although beautiful, historic, glamorous and challenging, Monaco is really not the place to see Formula 1 cars racing each other. Sure, the streets of Monte Carlo are unparalleled for testing the skill, nerve and concentration of the best drivers in the world, the chances of overtaking (and therefore, the chances of action) are very slim. The Clip The Apex overtaking database claims there were 12 overtakes in this year's Monaco GP, but I certainly didn't see that many. Most of us were nodding off halfway through the race having seen the only changes of position take place in the pits. But a few drops of rain gave us the promise of some action, bringing the front five cars (WEB, ROS, ALO, VET, HAM, with Massa not far behind in sixth) all to within each other's DRS zone.

 

Here we have all the potential for an epic 5- or 6-way fight for the win in the final 10 laps and yet... nothing happened. Nobody tried anything. Admittedly, certain driver's attempts at overtaking in Monaco last year made me seethe with anger, but I found it baffling that none of these highly competitive drivers were willing to try to overtake in the closing stages of the race. Of course it's entirely reasonable that they've got plenty to concentrate on with tyre degradation, the threat of rain and barriers hurtling towards them at 290kph, but I couldn't help but feel a little... bored by this year's race. Monaco just seems to make a habit out of teasing us with potential for great racing action, only to somehow snatch it away. Take last year: Button's clever strategy put him on much fresher tyres and gaining rapidly on the struggling Alonso and Vettel ahead. But then the ridiculous red flag rules that allow all cars to put on fresh tyres annihilated the possibility for an epic battle for the win.

But despite this, I'm not one of the mad people demanding that Monaco be removed from the F1 calendar. It might not be the best place to marvel at outstanding overtakes, but I think we can all appreciate the immense skill of any F1 driver keeping it on the road for 78 laps, let alone in the company of other cars. Let's take this moment to watch a master at work:

But back to the present. With none of the five cars behind him risking an overtake, Mark Webber became the sixth different driver (although sadly not the sixth different constructor) to win a Grand Prix in 2012. And Red Bull celebrated in Monaco the way they know best: champagne and chlorine. Martin Brundle might have managed to stay dry last year while DC and EJ took the plunge, but this time he was at the mercy of the race winner...

 

We all knew it was coming. ...Well lucky for you that might be all I have to say about this race. With so few changes of position and most of my favourite drivers retiring, I was left pretty underwhelmed. But if you haven't yet had enough of my rambling, you can always check out the excellent F1 In Pubs podcast by Paul and Manish, featuring a few words of wisdom from myself and Tiff (plus the occasional shrieking in the background) here.

Don't forget to vote in the poll on the left for who you'd most like to see be the seventh different race winner this season! Feel free to tweet me @F1_Obsessive or leave a comment below. See you the weekend after next for the Canadian Grand Prix - hopefully as eventful as last year's!

The Williams Phoenix Rises

RACE TRACK: Fire - The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown

Those of you who know me in real life or on Twitter (you poor buggers) may know that I've had a half-joking love for a certain Venezuelan Formula 1 driver since his debut in Melbourne 2011. It started out just enjoying how much he looked like a serial killer, but at Monaco last year, I began to root for him for real. He was finally able to prove his driving talent around the street circuit, before... I'm getting angry just thinking about it. When the spat continued at Spa, I think it's safe to assume he was one of the most disliked drivers on the grid. And so, alas, I was the sole member in his forlorn little fan club.

Until now.

DELIGHTED to be typing this: Pastor Maldonado WINS the 2012 Spanish Grand Prix!

So many achievements by that man this weekend. Pole position (which I predicted after FP3 actually, but foolishly did not put money on), first time having the Venezuelan national anthem on the podium (quite jazzy actually), first win for Williams in 8 long years (a wonderful gift for Sir Frank's 70th birthday), and 25 times his points in the whole of 2011, all in one glorious race. Oh, and not forgetting providing us with a FIFTH different winning driver and constructor. 2012 is a sensational season so far. Also, I can't imagine any driver more frightening to be breathing down your neck for most of a race than Fernando Alonso.

Ok, so maybe that photograph wasn't the best choice to convey the intimidating nature of a double world champion, on home turf, tearing after you, but my point still stands. Maldonado has only a fraction of the experience Alonso has in F1 and yet he was able to stay in front despite the Spaniard's relentless efforts from less than a second behind and within the DRS zone. I like to think that people who thought he was just a 'pay driver' may start to take note of his driving ability here. The race had no big crashes or adverse weather conditions to explain away Maldonado's presence at the front of the grid - he won on pure merit. Amazing drive. I'll come back to the emotional rollercoaster of the post-race drama at Williams, but for now, I'm reviewing the race action.

...Or what there was of it. During the race, I was naturally caught up in the madness that was seeing "P1 MAL" on my television screen and had consequently developed the Christian Horner foot-jiggle. It was only hours later, whilst pondering who might be runner-up to Pastor for driver of the day, that I realised: none of the others did very well. In the midfield and back, the Toro Rossos and the Force Indias were bordering on invisible (and not because of FOM this time), the Caterhams didn't make the leaps and bounds they promised, and the HRTs were still acting like bloody cucumbers. As for those who SHOULD be further up front: Felipe baby was finally acting a bit racy, only to drop out of the points after a drive-through, and Webber and my beloved Button hardly moved the whole race! When asked after the race what went wrong, Jenson laughed and said, "I was just slow." Sad times.

Ok, Lewis Hamilton gaining 16 places isn't bad. But it's hard to get excited about an 8th place finish for a driver in arguably the best team on the grid, even if you're actually a fan of the muppet. I found myself in the rare position of having not much to complain about with Notorious H.A.M. this weekend - especially having successfully not smashed Massa out of the race. But of course it was back to usual as soon as he opened his mouth in the interviews, unnecessarily slagging off his teammate and anyone who calls his driving style aggressive (which it is, and is not an insult). So it's the usual suspect grinding my gears this week, along with the surprising mediocrity of so much of the field on Sunday. But now back to the better things...

Straight in with a photograph of the happiest giraffe in the zoo and all gear-grinding is eradicated. This was his face when describing his race as "alright". Can you imagine his expression when he has a better-than-alright race?! I think my tweet that he could cure depression makes a perfectly valid point. But yes, a shame we didn't see him on the podium but some more good points for Romain and less of the bad luck from earlier in the season.


Aside from the adorable giraffe, another shining beacon of hope for my cynical soul was Sky F1's success in making me laugh almost constantly during their coverage. A particular highlight for me was Martin's gridwalk, where he attempted his 'Marty's Random Person' segment:

...And failed. What that video sadly cuts off is the next part when Martin strides up to Bernie Ecclestone and asks if he speaks English - Bernie's face was priceless.

After the race, while the BBC was showing you Eddie Jordan's foot, Simon Lazenby on Sky was busy giggling helplessly having asked Pastor Maldonado's fiancée live on television what she does to help him relax. Raised eyebrows and laughter all round. Simon was certainly earning his new nickname of Lolzenby. And he's the perfect candidate for a caption competition:

I'm thinking, "I said WHAT to Gabriella?!" Feel free to comment or tweet me your ideas!

On a rather less fun note, I can't really review this race without mentioning the fire in the Williams garage. I think it's a truly wonderful thing that somehow the positive stories following this outweighed the negative ones. Thankfully, news of injuries were few and tales of heroism were plenty. It was fantastic to see members of all the teams up and down the pit lane racing to extinguish the fire, and managing to have it under control before the circuit's fire engines had even arrived. The photograph of a cameraman dropping his equipment to help a mechanic out of the flaming garage was an incredible sight. But the one that I think warmed the most hearts after a scary afternoon was the shot of race winner, driver of the day and man of the moment, Pastor Maldonado, carrying his young cousin through the smoke to safety. I can't help but make this comparison.

Please forgive the metaphor, but this Spanish Grand Prix has given the Williams phoenix a chance to rise from the ashes. Williams is a beloved team to so many, and after such a terrible season in 2011, it's brilliant to see the start of a resurgence. Oh, and I should probably mention that my one-person Maldonado fan club is officially accepting new members. And on that note, I'm signing off. Apologies for this being quite excessively long but, you know, stuff happened. As usual, if you have any comments, leave them below or tweet me @F1_Obsessive, ¡VIVA VENEZUELA! aaaaaand see you in Monaco baby! ^^