Not-So-Great British Drivers

RACE TRACK: I'm Only Happy When It Rains - Garbage

Hard to believe that, after the rain-soaked chaos of Friday and Saturday (on and off the track), we had a completely dry race! A wonderful reprieve for the brave souls at the circuit of course but, for those of us safely ensconced in front of the TV, a bit of slipping and sliding come race day wouldn't have gone amiss. But despite the dry running there was plenty of action to discuss, so on with the show...

Firstly, congratuwelldone to Mark Webber for being only the second double-winner this season! Of course he celebrated his win in typical mental fashion:

I dread to think what his passport photo looks like. Good ol' Mark, providing us with ridiculous material for photoshopping since 2002.

This first section will contain a small amount of casual Red Bull fangirling, before we get into the usual torrent of rants. Not only did RBR have the wonderful Simon Pegg as a guest this weekend (who, when Webber took the lead, appeared to be TRAPPED IN A plastic GLASS CASE OF EMOTION), but they also had the most stunning livery.

It's not just 25,000 pretty faces, it raised over €1 million for Red Bull's Wings For Life charity. So it was certainly an added bonus for the thousands of donors that they were able to accompany Mark Webber as he took the chequered flag at Silverstone. For both drivers to finish on the podium even with all those people in the cockpit with them (ooer) is quite an amazing result. And so, cue Mark's jet-propelled podium jump, Seb cheekily pouring champagne onto Jackie Stewart's head and the various presenters and pundits having to bellow over the top of the exceptionally loud music coming from the Red Bull garage.

Onto rather more useless teams: McLaren strike again! Supposedly the second best team on the 2012 grid, both McLaren cars showed an alarming lack of pace throughout the entire weekend. I'll point out at this stage that being a Jenson Button fan is not the same as being a McLaren fan. Jenson's qualifying was yet another dismal affair, resulting in him starting from a lowly 16th place on the grid. In the past few Grands Prix, Button has been diagnosed by some with the Felipe Massa Effect (please note: I despise this concept, merely referencing what I've heard), of losing your mojo alongside a superstar teammate (I, however, rooted out his problem from his facial hair). But at Silverstone, the mediocrity reached Lewis Hamilton as well. At least Button managed to work his way up 6 places to 10th and earn himself 1 world championship point (THRILLING) - Hamilton couldn't gain on his start position at all. And aside from the downright lack of pace, yet again the strategy wasn't all there. Hamilton was on the radio saying "we shouldn't have covered Grosjean, he's much faster than me" only a few moments before the giraffe in the Lotus galloped right past him. So a very poor showing from MEHcLaren, and as for the other British driver, well he wobbled off the track in the first lap. ...Not the best showing in front of the home fans, boys.


But I suppose one consolation for McLaren fans (hello? anybody out there?) is that they didn't have the worst pit stop of the weekend. That award, sadly, goes to Kamui Kobayashi and Sauber.

I am very glad to report that none of the Sauber pit crew were seriously hurt, although apparently one mechanic is receiving treatment for an injured thumb - get well soon! Hopefully Kamui will get back to his usual method of KKing people next time out...

Now I suppose it's time for my semi-regular segment: tirelessly and defiantly defending Pastor Maldonado! For the record, I'll just point out that I really like Sergio Perez too. He's a good driver, interesting on strategy and I wish he'd won in Malaysia. But I think sweet little Checo might have overreacted just a tiiiny bit after his retirement from the race following this incident with Pastor:

Yes, it was an unfortunate incident, and Maldonado hasn't exactly had the best record for clean races this year, but... you can see he's lost control of the car before the contact with Perez. Even if the Sauber hadn't been there, I think Maldonado would have lost it in that corner and spun off. So I find it difficult to agree with Sergio's slightly mad rant where he called Pastor a "stupid and dangerous driver" and worried that he "could hurt someone". I understand that tensions run high so soon after a frustrating incident, but sadly this has fuelled a lot more blind hatred for the Venezuelan. I think he just hasn't had the chance to build up a fanbase that contains more than just me. If he had anything like the number of insane fans that Lewis Hamilton has built up over the years, Maldonado's driving would merely be 'aggressive' and it would win their hearts. Let's just be grateful he hasn't said he's being picked on because he's Latino. But really, I only hope that Pastor can have a few good, clean races in the weeks to come, so that people might remember his mighty drive to his maiden victory in Spain, rather than the recent dodgy incidents. ...Plus if he stops crashing about, I can stop ranting on and on defending him! Because someone in the one-person fan club has got to.

Huge thanks to @F1ML for bringing to life the equal-parts brilliant and terrifying image of my Pastor Pom Poms!

Now I'm throwing my second mini-rant in here, so that we can end on something nicer... the British Biased Coverage was making me rather angry this weekend. I'm not talking about the focus being on the British drivers, because that makes sense and of course they'll do the same at every circuit with the driver(s) from that country. I'm referring to the fanatical lunacy that Jake Humphrey championed at Silverstone on the BBC. Encouraging support for specific (British) drivers is all well and good, but Humphrey decided that it would be a good laugh to get the (predominantly sane) British fans to pick which (non-British) drivers they hated the most and boo them. ...Really? Really, Jake? So of course Lewis' best mates Fernando and Pastor were getting a fair bit of a abuse, spurred on by the prominent Hamilton brown-noser Mr Humphrey. Even worse than this were the representatives of the worst kind of F1 fans on Twitter, some of whom even threatened to kill Pastor Maldonado if he 'touched' their beloved Lewis (why is it always Lewis fans being mentally deranged?). I was pleased, however, to see that this particular comment was met with much disgust online. Of course we all have our favourite and our least favourite drivers but, after a weekend of a very shoddily organised British sporting event, I don't think Silverstone 2012 needed to be remembered for anti-British hate-spewing as well.

I'd apologise for the excessive ranting, but I imagine you come here expecting it. Or you've blundered onto here by mistake, in which case: HI! Sorry!

But let's end on a more cheery note: Felipe baby is back in action!

As I said before, I find Felipe-bashing deeply upsetting, so having him back on good form in the past few races has been glorious. Felipe managed to bring his Ferrari home in 4th place and pulled off a fair few badass overtaking moves throughout the race. As I'm still bitter about Brazil 2008, him being back in points-paying positions is lovely to see. Here's hoping he can repeat these recent good performances in the rest of the season, and maybe soon we'll be hearing 'Fernando, Felipe is faster than you'.

Anyway, that's all from me. The ranting has gone on long enough. Is anyone even still reading? WELL DONE YOU. If you like, you can follow me on Twitter @F1_Obsessive, where I spout this kind of rubbish aaall day long. See you next time for the German Grand Prix!

Alternator Aggravator

RACE TRACK: Spanish Stroll - Mink DeVille

...Because even when he's coming from 11th on the grid, Fernando makes it looks easy. And so, we didn't get a record-breaking eighth different winner in the first eight races, because Magic Alonso stormed to victory in Valencia, taking his second win of the 2012 season and securing a 20 point lead in the drivers' championship.

His trackside celebrations in front of the predominantly Spanish crowd were fun. I mean, usually the FIA don't even let you touch anything before being weighed to ensure all regulations are met, so it was nice to see some post-race shenanigans from Fernando. Driving along with the Spanish flag, dancing about with the marshalls, and eventually being dragged away to the slightly delayed podium after several minutes' unauthorised frolicking.

When he eventually made it onto the top step, we were greeted with a blast from the past, seeing Alonso, Raikkonen and Schumacher in the top three finishing positions.

 

Some fun facts for you regarding this very successful trio...

• These three drivers have now shared the podium on 5 different occasions.
• In all these instances, Fernando Alonso has been on the top step, with Kimi Raikkonen taking the second place spot twice, to Michael Schumacher's three times.
• Between them, they have TEN world drivers' championships - 7 for Michael of course, 2 for Fernando and 1 for Kimi.
• This trio also have every WDC between the years of 2000 and 2007.
• All three have driven for Ferrari during their careers, although Fernando Alonso is yet to win a championship with them.

So yes, a rather retro podium, but lovely to see Fernando's emotional celebrations, Kimi getting another good points finish, and Michael finally getting a bit of luck! But onto the rest of the race now...

I'd say it's pretty rare that we see reliability problems in more recent years, but this race had 2 major retirements due to alternator failure. Of course (as regular readers and my Twitter followers will have come to expect) my heart broke into a million pieces when the legendary giraffe Monsieur Grosjean slowed to a halt after 41 of the 57 laps. All the more devastating given that he was within a second of the leader when it happened, he was potentially our 8th different winner!

His reaction was classic Romain: a shrug of mild disappointment, and then immediately back to his usual, smiley self as he walked back to the garage. A slightly more extreme reaction came from Sebastian Vettel who, a few laps earlier, had retired from the race with what turned out to be the exact same issue. We've seen one or two stroppy moments from the reigning world champion since he's not been dominating the races like he used to (such as Cucumbergate and the use of his other finger in Malaysia) and, after his retirement from this race, he provided us with a frustrated but rather jazzy glove slap. Cue the remixed GIFs - and feel free to add some dance music in your head.

But my 'most twatty flamboyant reaction of the race' award goes, naturally, to Lewis Hamilton. I'm sure the McLaren budgeting department winced a lot when he threw his £50,000 steering wheel out of his car in annoyance after his collision with Pastor Maldonado on the penultimate lap of the race. Literally throwing (very expensive) toys out the pram (/cockpit).

I guess my rant of the race will have to be on that Hamilton/Maldonado incident. I tweeted and tweeted about it at the time, but there's no point in stopping now. First of all, let's remember that both drivers ended up with nil points where they might've had 15 or 12. And so both of them lost out equally, if not slightly less lost for Hamilton as his tyres were going off the cliff anyway. But the main point really is that they both COULD have chosen to act differently in that split second to avoid the collision. Hamilton could've left space for Maldonado on the track. Maldonado could have cut the corner completely rather than trying to rejoin straight away. Hamilton could've anticipated Maldonado rejoining the track at that moment and gone a little bit wide to leave some space. But they didn't. And to be honest, I didn't really expect them to, because they're racing drivers. Of course neither one of them wants to yield to another driver, it's their natural instinct to fight to win. And yes, sometimes this attitude causes avoidable accidents, but that's motor racing. Plus, in that moment, they have the tiniest fraction of a second to decide where to look, which pedal to push, which buttons to press, and which direction to steer. So I don't think either driver is to blame really. They both made a decision that wasn't the most sensible, and they both paid for it. Although I think of it as a racing incident, I suppose Maldonado's penalty is reasonable as it gives him a result equal to Hamilton (0 points) - it would've been quite cheeky if Pastor had gotten a point out of all this. But mad Hamilton fans the people calling for him to be banned from Formula 1 for dangerous driving... well they obviously haven't seen any of Lewis' driving. Anyway, I really should shut up on this now, but that's my view. If you disagree, we can agree to do so, that's fine (and feel free to put forward your opinion in the comments), but let's not try and force each other to change our views. Because that is truly maddening. Ok? Ok.

As for the rest of the race... well I forgot we were in Valencia for sure! There was actually overtaking - although some more successful than others. Obviously JEV's cutting across Heikki stands out as maddest move of the race (some nice expletives from KOV in the official race edit), not to mention how fast he was driving with that severely punctured tyre. Although at the time, I was desperate for a safety car to give Vettel some company at the front again, so no complaints really.

What else? Well it was good to see the Lotuses/Loti/Kimi-and-Romain doing very well, both drivers making some excellent passes - think it could've been a Lotus 1-2 if things had happened differently... but you know I don't do what-ifs! And more LOLZ at the outstanding McLaren pit crew, as Hamilton's reserve front jack man did a nervous jig trying to work out if he was needed. It must've been amateur hour in the Valencian pitlane because there were dodgy stops from more than just McLaren for once, even some mismatched tyres on one car.

So overall, the European Grand Prix was a pleasant surprise. Usually we all expect to doze off like we're watching a Paul di Resta interview or something, but 2012 offered a good amount of race action. But that's all from me for now! Feel free to follow me on Twitter @F1_Obsessive aaaaaand I'll see you next time for the British Grand Prix - where perhaps the Jubilee/regal theme of 2012 will rub off on Silverstone and provide race vehicles more like this...

Tyred All The Time

RACE TRACK: 7 - Arctic Monkeys

For the first time in the history of Formula 1, there have been 7 different winners of the opening 7 races of the season. Some guy with an American accent and a chinstrap won apparently. Moving on...

What a difference the tyres make! While two double world champions had to make the choice between limping to the finish on a badly worn set of tyres, or losing time in the pits for fresh ones, a couple of young whippersnappers were able to cruise up and onto the podium. So thanks, Pirelli, for providing us with some surprise wildlife (other than the usual marmots) in the top three, in the form of Sergio 'Naked Mole Rat' Perez and Romain 'Giraffe' Grosjean!

Apologies to those of a nervous disposition, I forgot that this picture contains Martin Whitmarsh in a champagne-soaked shirt.

So we already knew that Checo is the king of the one-stop strategy, but he sure as hell came out of nowhere in Montreal. Starting in a very lowly 15th position, Perez was fairly invisible on the world feed for most of the race. But suddenly, with a few laps to go, Vettel has dived into the pits, Alonso is slipping back on old tyres, and Sergio has gone from grid slot number 15, to 15 points for a third place finish. And as for Romain, he started a respectable 7th, stayed out of trouble and miraculously appeared behind the ailing Alonso in the closing stages. The galloping giraffe dispatched the Spaniard with ease and achieved his highest ever finish in F1.

Many thanks to Nicola for sending me this amazing photo. Proof that Romain IS the happiest man (/giraffe) alive: you can still see his enormous grin even when he's wearing a helmet. Brilliant. Also, given the slightly weird angle, it looks like the Lotus man has a leg for an arm, don't you think? ...I think I've looked at this picture for too long.

So it was a two-thirds lovely podium for me. However much I'd like some of the front runners (Button, Vettel, Alonso), I'm always delighted to see drivers from (supposedly) lower down the grid doing well. I say lower down but, in the current standings, Grosjean is actually 8 points ahead of Button! As a loyal Jenson fan, I wish he could've done well in this race. And as a childish moron, I wish he'd finished first so that the top three would read: BUTGROPER. More on the curious case of Jenson Button later...

But now for a bad F1 joke: how many Mercedes mechanics does it take to close a moveable rear wing?

Michael's clearly invited a black cat to be his mascot and has been going round smashing mirrors - I bet he went to smash something or other after this FIFTH retirement from seven races. And as Schumacher seems to be a key feature in something that is grinding my gears, I shall take this moment to have my little rant about 'what if' scenarios. I did tweet about this already, but I'm saying it here in a few more characters. This isn't a rant at Schumacher - more at his fans, or rather ANY fans that consider ridiculous hypothetical situations to be factual in order to claim their driver's brilliance. Somebody has worked out that Michael Schumacher would currently be leading the championship if it wasn't for pit stop errors, reliability issues and general misfortune. Ok, sure, he's had a few races where he's been running well before having a problem. But having a 'what if' in which you change every outcome of every race is, as James Hunt would say, bullshit. If we're going to do that then we might as well say Narain Karthikeyan could/would/should be top of the drivers' standings. By all means, keep supporting/defending your favourite driver(s) in good times and bad, but please do so in the real world rather than the alternate universe you've created for them.

So the Canadian Grand Prix wasn't a patch on the EPIC that was last year's. But what's bugging me more is that neither is Jenson Button. Which brings me to this exceptionally modest comment:

I have successfully identified Jenson's problem. And I have a solution.

It's not what you think. It's not grip or balance, understeer or oversteer, not even the dreaded 'happy bubble' being popped. No... it's the facial hair. I'm only half joking. To explain, here are some examples from the Button Beard Database (BBDB).

Left: The all-over Jenson Button face fuzz that we know and love. This look was a constant throughout 2009 - a championship-winning beardy item, worthy of his 95 points.

Centre: A tad less raggedy, but still recognisably similar to the 09 spec. Button put world champion Vettel under pressure in the wet to take a stunning victory, despite having been through the pits 6 times - 25 points for the win.

Right: Face fuzz still all over, although more refined than the old days. Jenson took his pole-sitting teammate into the first corner and got his 2012 championship challenge off to the perfect start - 25 points and top of the tables.

Left: First sighting of the very dodgy, Damon Hill-esque facial hair. Trundled home in 9th place and, when asked about his race, said "I was just slow" - a lowly 2 points for that effort.

Centre: Hill impression still going strong, although looking slightly less two-tone. Button retired after repeated collisions with the Caterham of Heikki Kovalainen - classified 16th, worth nil points.

Right: I had my hopes up on Saturday having seen some Brawn-era facial hair as Jenson miraculously made it into Q3. But the fool must've shaved before the race and the clean-shaven look did nothing for him. Came home in 16th and a lap down - yet another zero on the scoreboard.

And so, the answer is clear: BRING BACK THE 2009 FACIAL HAIR. It might seem silly, but the evidence I've compiled proves it - there really is a direct correlation between the state of his beardy item and his race results. As much as I'd love to see an eighth different winner (preferably Romain, Kimi or Felipe), Button needs to get back to his winning ways and start climbing his way up from eighth in the championship standings. If he wants to do that 'W' again, he's got to start fixing the facial hair.

So I suppose this concludes my (frankly ridiculous) race review. Compared to previous years, 2012 didn't provide a great deal of action in Canada - nobody even smashed into the Wall Of Champions during the race! But just for fun, here is a great video of how to crash into said wall like a boss:

And on that unrelated note I suppose I should bid you farewell. Oohh, I should probably mention that the lovely @lookingspiffy runs a far more professional blog reviewing the facial hair of F1 drivers (of high importance, this) at #F1BEARDWATCH, so you should definitely go check that out. As for me, you can tweet/follow me on Twitter (if you dare) @F1_Obsessive aaaand don't forget to vote in this week's poll (above right) about your favourite 2012 liveries. Until next time - the excitement overload that is Valencia - byeeeee!

So-So Slow Monaco

RACE TRACK: Twisting By The Pool - Dire Straits

You can pretty much tell how exciting the Grand Prix was when my Race Track ends up being based on POST-race action. And I couldn't use 'Grace Kelly' because hate-spewing newspapers would likely overreact and demand for me to be sacked from the internet. Sigh. Anyway...

Congratuwelldone, waltzing Matilda Mark Webber, for winning in Monaco, for being our sixth different winner in a crazy, mixed-up season and mainly, for successfully going FORWARDS at the start - gold star for you Mark! Surprisingly, the one trundling off the start line was actually king of bling Mr. Hamilton. This didn't have a huge detrimental effect on his race, but the knock-on effect behind him caused an upsetting natural phenomenon: a sad giraffe Romain Grosjean.

That little face just breaks my heart. So basically, a slow-starting Hamilton meant many of the cars behind him (Alonso, Massa, Schumacher and Grosjean in particular) were short of space and attempting to go four abreast into the first corner. Alas, four into one doesn't go and the giraffe for whom we had high hopes ended up sideways across the track. Most cars managed to get past unscathed, although Kamui Kobasmashi did collide slightly with the stricken Lotus, leading to this fantastic shot of Kamui being called back to his home planet:

These F1 drivers are getting a taste for flying aren't they? Kobayashi joins frequent flyers Petrov and Webber in an ever-growing group of drivers who are somewhat lacking in downforce. Unfortunately, on his way down, Kamui 'KKed' Button by landing on top of him - only the first of Jenson's problems in his truly miserable race.

Further back in the field, Maldonado put to good use the driving lessons he's recently had from Michael Schumacher, by quite severely rear-ending the HRT of Pedro de la Rosa having barely crossed the start/finish line. Am I back to being the only member of the Maldonado fan club? ...Thought so.

So overall a very disappointing start from my point of view, although it was lovely to see Felipe Massa keeping up with his teammate AND the other front four drivers from the start. As for the Grosjean incident, I can't really say any one driver was to blame - not even Hamilton (look at me, so mature) - it's just Monaco, baby. I should point out at this stage that Tiff & I had met up to watch this race together, with the Birmingham division of F1 In Pubs. Safe to say that the two of us combined were certainly a ranting, raving, fangirling force to be reckoned with. Sincere apologies to those in the same room/city/country as us when Giraffe crashed out - our screams could likely be heard from space.

On with the rest of the racing... or the lack of it. Over the years, I think we've come to realise that, although beautiful, historic, glamorous and challenging, Monaco is really not the place to see Formula 1 cars racing each other. Sure, the streets of Monte Carlo are unparalleled for testing the skill, nerve and concentration of the best drivers in the world, the chances of overtaking (and therefore, the chances of action) are very slim. The Clip The Apex overtaking database claims there were 12 overtakes in this year's Monaco GP, but I certainly didn't see that many. Most of us were nodding off halfway through the race having seen the only changes of position take place in the pits. But a few drops of rain gave us the promise of some action, bringing the front five cars (WEB, ROS, ALO, VET, HAM, with Massa not far behind in sixth) all to within each other's DRS zone.

 

Here we have all the potential for an epic 5- or 6-way fight for the win in the final 10 laps and yet... nothing happened. Nobody tried anything. Admittedly, certain driver's attempts at overtaking in Monaco last year made me seethe with anger, but I found it baffling that none of these highly competitive drivers were willing to try to overtake in the closing stages of the race. Of course it's entirely reasonable that they've got plenty to concentrate on with tyre degradation, the threat of rain and barriers hurtling towards them at 290kph, but I couldn't help but feel a little... bored by this year's race. Monaco just seems to make a habit out of teasing us with potential for great racing action, only to somehow snatch it away. Take last year: Button's clever strategy put him on much fresher tyres and gaining rapidly on the struggling Alonso and Vettel ahead. But then the ridiculous red flag rules that allow all cars to put on fresh tyres annihilated the possibility for an epic battle for the win.

But despite this, I'm not one of the mad people demanding that Monaco be removed from the F1 calendar. It might not be the best place to marvel at outstanding overtakes, but I think we can all appreciate the immense skill of any F1 driver keeping it on the road for 78 laps, let alone in the company of other cars. Let's take this moment to watch a master at work:

But back to the present. With none of the five cars behind him risking an overtake, Mark Webber became the sixth different driver (although sadly not the sixth different constructor) to win a Grand Prix in 2012. And Red Bull celebrated in Monaco the way they know best: champagne and chlorine. Martin Brundle might have managed to stay dry last year while DC and EJ took the plunge, but this time he was at the mercy of the race winner...

 

We all knew it was coming. ...Well lucky for you that might be all I have to say about this race. With so few changes of position and most of my favourite drivers retiring, I was left pretty underwhelmed. But if you haven't yet had enough of my rambling, you can always check out the excellent F1 In Pubs podcast by Paul and Manish, featuring a few words of wisdom from myself and Tiff (plus the occasional shrieking in the background) here.

Don't forget to vote in the poll on the left for who you'd most like to see be the seventh different race winner this season! Feel free to tweet me @F1_Obsessive or leave a comment below. See you the weekend after next for the Canadian Grand Prix - hopefully as eventful as last year's!

The Williams Phoenix Rises

RACE TRACK: Fire - The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown

Those of you who know me in real life or on Twitter (you poor buggers) may know that I've had a half-joking love for a certain Venezuelan Formula 1 driver since his debut in Melbourne 2011. It started out just enjoying how much he looked like a serial killer, but at Monaco last year, I began to root for him for real. He was finally able to prove his driving talent around the street circuit, before... I'm getting angry just thinking about it. When the spat continued at Spa, I think it's safe to assume he was one of the most disliked drivers on the grid. And so, alas, I was the sole member in his forlorn little fan club.

Until now.

DELIGHTED to be typing this: Pastor Maldonado WINS the 2012 Spanish Grand Prix!

So many achievements by that man this weekend. Pole position (which I predicted after FP3 actually, but foolishly did not put money on), first time having the Venezuelan national anthem on the podium (quite jazzy actually), first win for Williams in 8 long years (a wonderful gift for Sir Frank's 70th birthday), and 25 times his points in the whole of 2011, all in one glorious race. Oh, and not forgetting providing us with a FIFTH different winning driver and constructor. 2012 is a sensational season so far. Also, I can't imagine any driver more frightening to be breathing down your neck for most of a race than Fernando Alonso.

Ok, so maybe that photograph wasn't the best choice to convey the intimidating nature of a double world champion, on home turf, tearing after you, but my point still stands. Maldonado has only a fraction of the experience Alonso has in F1 and yet he was able to stay in front despite the Spaniard's relentless efforts from less than a second behind and within the DRS zone. I like to think that people who thought he was just a 'pay driver' may start to take note of his driving ability here. The race had no big crashes or adverse weather conditions to explain away Maldonado's presence at the front of the grid - he won on pure merit. Amazing drive. I'll come back to the emotional rollercoaster of the post-race drama at Williams, but for now, I'm reviewing the race action.

...Or what there was of it. During the race, I was naturally caught up in the madness that was seeing "P1 MAL" on my television screen and had consequently developed the Christian Horner foot-jiggle. It was only hours later, whilst pondering who might be runner-up to Pastor for driver of the day, that I realised: none of the others did very well. In the midfield and back, the Toro Rossos and the Force Indias were bordering on invisible (and not because of FOM this time), the Caterhams didn't make the leaps and bounds they promised, and the HRTs were still acting like bloody cucumbers. As for those who SHOULD be further up front: Felipe baby was finally acting a bit racy, only to drop out of the points after a drive-through, and Webber and my beloved Button hardly moved the whole race! When asked after the race what went wrong, Jenson laughed and said, "I was just slow." Sad times.

Ok, Lewis Hamilton gaining 16 places isn't bad. But it's hard to get excited about an 8th place finish for a driver in arguably the best team on the grid, even if you're actually a fan of the muppet. I found myself in the rare position of having not much to complain about with Notorious H.A.M. this weekend - especially having successfully not smashed Massa out of the race. But of course it was back to usual as soon as he opened his mouth in the interviews, unnecessarily slagging off his teammate and anyone who calls his driving style aggressive (which it is, and is not an insult). So it's the usual suspect grinding my gears this week, along with the surprising mediocrity of so much of the field on Sunday. But now back to the better things...

Straight in with a photograph of the happiest giraffe in the zoo and all gear-grinding is eradicated. This was his face when describing his race as "alright". Can you imagine his expression when he has a better-than-alright race?! I think my tweet that he could cure depression makes a perfectly valid point. But yes, a shame we didn't see him on the podium but some more good points for Romain and less of the bad luck from earlier in the season.


Aside from the adorable giraffe, another shining beacon of hope for my cynical soul was Sky F1's success in making me laugh almost constantly during their coverage. A particular highlight for me was Martin's gridwalk, where he attempted his 'Marty's Random Person' segment:

...And failed. What that video sadly cuts off is the next part when Martin strides up to Bernie Ecclestone and asks if he speaks English - Bernie's face was priceless.

After the race, while the BBC was showing you Eddie Jordan's foot, Simon Lazenby on Sky was busy giggling helplessly having asked Pastor Maldonado's fiancée live on television what she does to help him relax. Raised eyebrows and laughter all round. Simon was certainly earning his new nickname of Lolzenby. And he's the perfect candidate for a caption competition:

I'm thinking, "I said WHAT to Gabriella?!" Feel free to comment or tweet me your ideas!

On a rather less fun note, I can't really review this race without mentioning the fire in the Williams garage. I think it's a truly wonderful thing that somehow the positive stories following this outweighed the negative ones. Thankfully, news of injuries were few and tales of heroism were plenty. It was fantastic to see members of all the teams up and down the pit lane racing to extinguish the fire, and managing to have it under control before the circuit's fire engines had even arrived. The photograph of a cameraman dropping his equipment to help a mechanic out of the flaming garage was an incredible sight. But the one that I think warmed the most hearts after a scary afternoon was the shot of race winner, driver of the day and man of the moment, Pastor Maldonado, carrying his young cousin through the smoke to safety. I can't help but make this comparison.

Please forgive the metaphor, but this Spanish Grand Prix has given the Williams phoenix a chance to rise from the ashes. Williams is a beloved team to so many, and after such a terrible season in 2011, it's brilliant to see the start of a resurgence. Oh, and I should probably mention that my one-person Maldonado fan club is officially accepting new members. And on that note, I'm signing off. Apologies for this being quite excessively long but, you know, stuff happened. As usual, if you have any comments, leave them below or tweet me @F1_Obsessive, ¡VIVA VENEZUELA! aaaaaand see you in Monaco baby! ^^

May The 4s Be With You

RACE TRACK: Tired Of Waiting For You - Green Day (or: 'Ode To The McLaren Pit Crew')

You'll have to forgive the Star Wars reference (or enjoy it, whatever floats your boat), but Bernie was on top evil-dictator form this weekend in tumultuous Bahrain. For those who don't really know their Star Wars, the character of Emperor Palpatine is best described as "the supreme ruler of the most powerful tyrannical regime the galaxy had ever witnessed". But for fear of being sued or otherwise 'silenced', I shall point out that this bears absolutely no resemblance to F1 'supremo' Bernard Charles Ecclestone... at all... nope... definitely not.

 

But anyway, now it is time to use the 4s! And hopefully end these terrible Star Wars puns. Because this Bahrain GP ended with an awful lot of '4' milestones...

• Despite fears for safety amongst political unrest in the country, this year's Bahrain GP went ahead and was the 4th race of the 2012 F1 season.
• In an alarming display of consistency, this race marks Mark Webber's 4th 4th place finish in a row. Lewis Hamilton was only able to achieve 3 3rd place finishes in a row.
• Sebastian Vettel was the 4th different race winner of the season so far. After Jenson Button sailed to victory in Melbourne, Fernando Alonso silenced Ferrari's critics in Sepang, and Nico Rosberg took his maiden victory in Shanghai, 'Finger Boy' Sebastian Vettel was back on top.
• Bahrain also resulted in a 4th different constructor to win a race this year. McLaren took the Australian GP, Ferrari the Malaysian, Mercedes the Chinese and now Red Bull in Bahrain.
• The top 4 finishers were all driving cars with Renault engines: the Red Bulls of Vettel and Webber in 1st and 4th respectively, along with the Lotuses (Loti?) of Raikkonen and Giraffe Grosjean in 2nd and 3rd.
• And finally, the Bahrain GP gave us a 4th different championship leader after only 4 races of 2012. Button's win in Australia put him atop the WDC, then Alonso led after Malaysia. Hamilton's consistent 3rd place finishes put him in the lead following the Chinese GP but now it's back to business as usual with Vettel leading the WDC despite lacking his usual level of dominance.

Without a doubt the best of these milestones are the 4 different winning drivers, winning constructors and championship leaders. It's a glorious amount of unpredictability - something that we didn't see much of in 2011. I mean, after the world's media had pretty much written off the 2012 Ferrari, who'd have thought the magician Alonso would be able to drag it to a victory this early on? And having spent 6 years just about on the good side of mediocre, we see Britney Nico Rosberg finally taking his first win. Who's going to win next time? Charles Pic? Pedro de la Rosa? Or even Felipe baby!

Gratuitous Felipinho photo. ...I'll let you decide which of these Felipe Babies is most likely to win a race.  
PS. Feliz aniversário Felipe! 31 today, but not looking a day over 13.

But anyway, on with the show. Rosberg was certainly pushing his luck AND the other drivers with a fair bit of dodgy defending from Hamilton and then Alonso:

 

Nico's indignant team radio after that first tussle with Hamilton was that he passed him "off the track", which made me think at first that Lewis might be due a visit to his old pals the stewards. But seeing it a second time, Rosberg pushing Alonso off the track in the same place, Nico started to look like the repeat offender. Regular readers will know that I'd have no problem in condemning Hamilton when he does something wrong, but this time I think Nico was the one making the dodgy moves. I was quite surprised that he didn't get any penalties, not even a reprimand, despite being investigated for both incidents after the race. My conclusion is that this is similar to Schumacher pushing Barrichello right up against the pit wall in Hungary 2010: definitely madness, but apparently allowable. That's racing...

But someone who was definitely NOT racing was everyone's least favourite McLaren mechanic, Mr Left Rear! As someone who dislikes Hamilton immensely, you can imagine my hysterical laughter when his first pit stop was a dismal 9.9 seconds due to some flailing with the wheel nut on the left rear.

But even I was shaking my head when the same mistake happened again, giving Hamilton an even worse 12.2 second stop. Apparently McLaren let the poor bloke off the last pit stop, letting him have his mental breakdown quietly in the corner of the garage as opposed to in the pit lane. But their best effort for Hamilton in this race was 5.4 seconds - still a good 2 seconds off what they should be doing. Red Bull are happy to be seeing a certain finger again, but I think the McLaren boys should start to get more used to this one:

So grinding my gears this week was definitely McLaren. Just so you don't think I've been kidnapped and replaced by some sort of Hamilton sympathiser, I was still laughing my head off at his misfortune, but the team's errors are getting ridiculous now. In China it was Button who suffered worse with that blasted left rear (and with similar pit crew incompetence in Silverstone last year) so my rage at them makes a bit more sense from that point of view. As for this race, it's safe to say I was making a similar noise to Jenson's engine when he retired - GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. So McLaren, please get your act together ready for next race. Stop grinding my gears and I might stop grinding my teeth.

But let's end on a happier note. In fact, the happiest thing on the planet most likely: the eternally-grinning giraffe himself, Monsieur Romain Grosjean!

It honestly looks like he hasn't moved since after qualifying in Australia. Look, exactly the same gleeful face! But I must admit, I was smiling too. Just look at this podium! After Romain's apparent jinx in the first two races, and some bad tyre strategy from Lotus for Kimi in China, it was great to see both of them on the podium in Bahrain. Although Kimi claimed to be 'disappointed' with second (as most racing drivers would be), I think him and aaall his fans were grateful that he made it to a good finish without his tyres committing suicide, like last week. And as for Grosjean, I'm glad he's finally getting a chance to silence his critics from all the way back in 2009. I mean, at the start alone, he was flying!

I know, I know, more giraffe-related Grosjean-teasing. Hey, be grateful I've stopped the Star Wars puns.

But seriously, I'm pleased for the guy - how can you not be, looking at that sweet little face?! Here's hoping Lotus can keep up in the development race and give us more amusement from Romain 'the happiest giraffe in the zoo' Grosjean and Kimi 'Kimi-face' Raikkonen in some top three press conferences.

I'm signing off now, but I'll be back spouting more rubbish after everyone's favourite and exhilarating race, the Spanish Grand Prix! As always, feel free to tweet me in the meantime @F1_Obsessive, comment your thoughts on the race below, or vote in my poll over to the right. See you next time!

Lemmings: Proud Sponsors Of Pirelli

RACE TRACK: I've Just Begun - Nico Rosberg Britney Spears

Those tyres threw themselves off the cliff pretty hard and fast this weekend. Don't get me wrong, the Pirellis certainly don't grind my gears. I LOVE the element of unpredictability they provide during the races, but my heart couldn't help but break when Kimi's tyres went off and he plummeted 12 places in only 2 laps. 'Poor Kimi' was even trending on Twitter! I scoured the many faces of Kimi Raikkonen to find his reaction to his ruined race and I guess any of these would probably cover it.

But despite Kimi missing out on a potential podium finish, tyres acting like lemmings didn't grind my gears too badly. This week, that coveted position is awarded to the Mercedes and McLaren pit crews! I know, I know, they all work exceptionally hard, have to work under extreme pressure and 99% of the time do a great job, but that didn't stop me screaming at the television watching the pit stops for Schumacher and Button.

The mechanics across from him are totally wondering who this guy's waving to. I've never been a die-hard Schumacher fan (I grew up watching him dominate F1 and everyone gets bored of the guy who wins all the time), but I was pretty devastated that we lost out on seeing him fight for the win for the first time since his return. The man himself was a lot more forgiving of his pit crew than I was, offering a hug to the poor bloke on the right front tyre.

As for Button, it was an agonisingly long wait while the McLaren mechanic fought to get the left rear tyre on properly. I suppose I should be grateful that they held him and didn't let him trundle off with only 3 like in Silverstone last year (significantly more rage from me then) but, for the second time this race, I found myself frustrated at the pit crew for eliminating the possibility of a fight at the front. And yet again I was getting far more cross than the person who actually suffered from it. Jenson was magnanimous (yes, I learn my vocabulary mostly from Mr. Smedley) when asked about it, saying "It's frustrating but you know, this happens. I made a mistake in Malaysia, someone's made a mistake here, we've just got to learn from that." It never ceases to amaze me what an all-round good guy Jenson Button is. He could've been like me, shouting screaming swearing, but instead he accepted it, kept his cool, and fought back to a respectable second place. Who knows, maybe if he'd repeated his pit strategy from last year's Chinese GP, he might've had a quicker stop with Red Bull...

 

Aaaanyway, what else? Oh yes, cursed crashers Grosjean and Maldonado actually FINISHED THE RACE. Congratuwelldone boys! Finally! Both of them managed to survive the train of about 8 or 9 cars lapping in close company for the majority of the race. It was this traffic that made Button's life more difficult after his slow stop, but it was great to see such close battles going on for the full duration of the race. It's not often that you see cars within a second or two of each other on the final lap without a safety car! In amongst an ever-changing top ten, both Senna and Maldonado got a good haul of points on the eve of Sir Frank Williams' 70th birthday. Another fun moment mid-race was Mark Webber's continued disregard for gravity:

How one does a wheelie in a Formula 1 car, I will never know. Keep flying, Mark.

This week I was again able to enjoy the F1 coverage on Sky as well as on the BBC. So to briefly summarise my opinion on this coverage 'war': both are good in their own way. I prefer Sky for the serious action, and I'll never want to miss the LIVE race, but the BBC are good for a bit of F1 humour. My highlight of the Sky coverage this weekend was the live interview with Martin Whitmarsh after the race where he tried, in vain, to hide a rapidly-melting Magnum ice cream behind his back. A disembodied hand appeared from off camera offering Raikkonen-approved refreshment for all the Sky presenters and pundits, and Martin Brundle impressed greatly by managing to scarf down his entire Magnum during the cut-away to the Skypad. Man's got skills. My highlight of the BBC coverage was probably their personification of the 'Now Kiss!' meme during the post-race forum. Firstly they insisted that Nico Rosberg kiss his 1st place trophy on camera, then Jake and Jenson indulged the Twitter fangirls with this slightly-awkward-but-kind-of-funny moment:

Before you ask: no, I am not going to take the whole BBC VS. SKY FIGHT TO THE DEATH thing seriously. We get a choice, just enjoy it, who KERS?

And finally, to the race winner, Princess Britney NICO Rosberg. Again, I'm not his biggest fan and I have to admit I've been somewhat underwhelmed by him in the past. But this weekend he was on fire (not in a Heikki Kovalainen way) and I was immensely pleased to see him take his first victory. He certainly looked at home receiving his award for 1st place...

...Sorry. That was inevitable. It was also bittersweet to hear the statistic that Keke and Nico Rosberg are the only father-and-son GP winners where the father has been alive to see the son achieve an F1 victory. A sad fact overall, but nice for Nico, Keke and their family. But anyway, it might've been Nico's Only Wish This Year to win a race, he was definitely Lucky in some aspects, but now he's Stronger. This weekend in China he's Just Begun (Having His Fun), and I'm sure Kimi will be saying Ooops if Nico Does It Again and- oh god I have to stop.