Tyred All The Time

RACE TRACK: 7 - Arctic Monkeys

For the first time in the history of Formula 1, there have been 7 different winners of the opening 7 races of the season. Some guy with an American accent and a chinstrap won apparently. Moving on...

What a difference the tyres make! While two double world champions had to make the choice between limping to the finish on a badly worn set of tyres, or losing time in the pits for fresh ones, a couple of young whippersnappers were able to cruise up and onto the podium. So thanks, Pirelli, for providing us with some surprise wildlife (other than the usual marmots) in the top three, in the form of Sergio 'Naked Mole Rat' Perez and Romain 'Giraffe' Grosjean!

Apologies to those of a nervous disposition, I forgot that this picture contains Martin Whitmarsh in a champagne-soaked shirt.

So we already knew that Checo is the king of the one-stop strategy, but he sure as hell came out of nowhere in Montreal. Starting in a very lowly 15th position, Perez was fairly invisible on the world feed for most of the race. But suddenly, with a few laps to go, Vettel has dived into the pits, Alonso is slipping back on old tyres, and Sergio has gone from grid slot number 15, to 15 points for a third place finish. And as for Romain, he started a respectable 7th, stayed out of trouble and miraculously appeared behind the ailing Alonso in the closing stages. The galloping giraffe dispatched the Spaniard with ease and achieved his highest ever finish in F1.

Many thanks to Nicola for sending me this amazing photo. Proof that Romain IS the happiest man (/giraffe) alive: you can still see his enormous grin even when he's wearing a helmet. Brilliant. Also, given the slightly weird angle, it looks like the Lotus man has a leg for an arm, don't you think? ...I think I've looked at this picture for too long.

So it was a two-thirds lovely podium for me. However much I'd like some of the front runners (Button, Vettel, Alonso), I'm always delighted to see drivers from (supposedly) lower down the grid doing well. I say lower down but, in the current standings, Grosjean is actually 8 points ahead of Button! As a loyal Jenson fan, I wish he could've done well in this race. And as a childish moron, I wish he'd finished first so that the top three would read: BUTGROPER. More on the curious case of Jenson Button later...

But now for a bad F1 joke: how many Mercedes mechanics does it take to close a moveable rear wing?

Michael's clearly invited a black cat to be his mascot and has been going round smashing mirrors - I bet he went to smash something or other after this FIFTH retirement from seven races. And as Schumacher seems to be a key feature in something that is grinding my gears, I shall take this moment to have my little rant about 'what if' scenarios. I did tweet about this already, but I'm saying it here in a few more characters. This isn't a rant at Schumacher - more at his fans, or rather ANY fans that consider ridiculous hypothetical situations to be factual in order to claim their driver's brilliance. Somebody has worked out that Michael Schumacher would currently be leading the championship if it wasn't for pit stop errors, reliability issues and general misfortune. Ok, sure, he's had a few races where he's been running well before having a problem. But having a 'what if' in which you change every outcome of every race is, as James Hunt would say, bullshit. If we're going to do that then we might as well say Narain Karthikeyan could/would/should be top of the drivers' standings. By all means, keep supporting/defending your favourite driver(s) in good times and bad, but please do so in the real world rather than the alternate universe you've created for them.

So the Canadian Grand Prix wasn't a patch on the EPIC that was last year's. But what's bugging me more is that neither is Jenson Button. Which brings me to this exceptionally modest comment:

I have successfully identified Jenson's problem. And I have a solution.

It's not what you think. It's not grip or balance, understeer or oversteer, not even the dreaded 'happy bubble' being popped. No... it's the facial hair. I'm only half joking. To explain, here are some examples from the Button Beard Database (BBDB).

Left: The all-over Jenson Button face fuzz that we know and love. This look was a constant throughout 2009 - a championship-winning beardy item, worthy of his 95 points.

Centre: A tad less raggedy, but still recognisably similar to the 09 spec. Button put world champion Vettel under pressure in the wet to take a stunning victory, despite having been through the pits 6 times - 25 points for the win.

Right: Face fuzz still all over, although more refined than the old days. Jenson took his pole-sitting teammate into the first corner and got his 2012 championship challenge off to the perfect start - 25 points and top of the tables.

Left: First sighting of the very dodgy, Damon Hill-esque facial hair. Trundled home in 9th place and, when asked about his race, said "I was just slow" - a lowly 2 points for that effort.

Centre: Hill impression still going strong, although looking slightly less two-tone. Button retired after repeated collisions with the Caterham of Heikki Kovalainen - classified 16th, worth nil points.

Right: I had my hopes up on Saturday having seen some Brawn-era facial hair as Jenson miraculously made it into Q3. But the fool must've shaved before the race and the clean-shaven look did nothing for him. Came home in 16th and a lap down - yet another zero on the scoreboard.

And so, the answer is clear: BRING BACK THE 2009 FACIAL HAIR. It might seem silly, but the evidence I've compiled proves it - there really is a direct correlation between the state of his beardy item and his race results. As much as I'd love to see an eighth different winner (preferably Romain, Kimi or Felipe), Button needs to get back to his winning ways and start climbing his way up from eighth in the championship standings. If he wants to do that 'W' again, he's got to start fixing the facial hair.

So I suppose this concludes my (frankly ridiculous) race review. Compared to previous years, 2012 didn't provide a great deal of action in Canada - nobody even smashed into the Wall Of Champions during the race! But just for fun, here is a great video of how to crash into said wall like a boss:

And on that unrelated note I suppose I should bid you farewell. Oohh, I should probably mention that the lovely @lookingspiffy runs a far more professional blog reviewing the facial hair of F1 drivers (of high importance, this) at #F1BEARDWATCH, so you should definitely go check that out. As for me, you can tweet/follow me on Twitter (if you dare) @F1_Obsessive aaaand don't forget to vote in this week's poll (above right) about your favourite 2012 liveries. Until next time - the excitement overload that is Valencia - byeeeee!

So-So Slow Monaco

RACE TRACK: Twisting By The Pool - Dire Straits

You can pretty much tell how exciting the Grand Prix was when my Race Track ends up being based on POST-race action. And I couldn't use 'Grace Kelly' because hate-spewing newspapers would likely overreact and demand for me to be sacked from the internet. Sigh. Anyway...

Congratuwelldone, waltzing Matilda Mark Webber, for winning in Monaco, for being our sixth different winner in a crazy, mixed-up season and mainly, for successfully going FORWARDS at the start - gold star for you Mark! Surprisingly, the one trundling off the start line was actually king of bling Mr. Hamilton. This didn't have a huge detrimental effect on his race, but the knock-on effect behind him caused an upsetting natural phenomenon: a sad giraffe Romain Grosjean.

That little face just breaks my heart. So basically, a slow-starting Hamilton meant many of the cars behind him (Alonso, Massa, Schumacher and Grosjean in particular) were short of space and attempting to go four abreast into the first corner. Alas, four into one doesn't go and the giraffe for whom we had high hopes ended up sideways across the track. Most cars managed to get past unscathed, although Kamui Kobasmashi did collide slightly with the stricken Lotus, leading to this fantastic shot of Kamui being called back to his home planet:

These F1 drivers are getting a taste for flying aren't they? Kobayashi joins frequent flyers Petrov and Webber in an ever-growing group of drivers who are somewhat lacking in downforce. Unfortunately, on his way down, Kamui 'KKed' Button by landing on top of him - only the first of Jenson's problems in his truly miserable race.

Further back in the field, Maldonado put to good use the driving lessons he's recently had from Michael Schumacher, by quite severely rear-ending the HRT of Pedro de la Rosa having barely crossed the start/finish line. Am I back to being the only member of the Maldonado fan club? ...Thought so.

So overall a very disappointing start from my point of view, although it was lovely to see Felipe Massa keeping up with his teammate AND the other front four drivers from the start. As for the Grosjean incident, I can't really say any one driver was to blame - not even Hamilton (look at me, so mature) - it's just Monaco, baby. I should point out at this stage that Tiff & I had met up to watch this race together, with the Birmingham division of F1 In Pubs. Safe to say that the two of us combined were certainly a ranting, raving, fangirling force to be reckoned with. Sincere apologies to those in the same room/city/country as us when Giraffe crashed out - our screams could likely be heard from space.

On with the rest of the racing... or the lack of it. Over the years, I think we've come to realise that, although beautiful, historic, glamorous and challenging, Monaco is really not the place to see Formula 1 cars racing each other. Sure, the streets of Monte Carlo are unparalleled for testing the skill, nerve and concentration of the best drivers in the world, the chances of overtaking (and therefore, the chances of action) are very slim. The Clip The Apex overtaking database claims there were 12 overtakes in this year's Monaco GP, but I certainly didn't see that many. Most of us were nodding off halfway through the race having seen the only changes of position take place in the pits. But a few drops of rain gave us the promise of some action, bringing the front five cars (WEB, ROS, ALO, VET, HAM, with Massa not far behind in sixth) all to within each other's DRS zone.

 

Here we have all the potential for an epic 5- or 6-way fight for the win in the final 10 laps and yet... nothing happened. Nobody tried anything. Admittedly, certain driver's attempts at overtaking in Monaco last year made me seethe with anger, but I found it baffling that none of these highly competitive drivers were willing to try to overtake in the closing stages of the race. Of course it's entirely reasonable that they've got plenty to concentrate on with tyre degradation, the threat of rain and barriers hurtling towards them at 290kph, but I couldn't help but feel a little... bored by this year's race. Monaco just seems to make a habit out of teasing us with potential for great racing action, only to somehow snatch it away. Take last year: Button's clever strategy put him on much fresher tyres and gaining rapidly on the struggling Alonso and Vettel ahead. But then the ridiculous red flag rules that allow all cars to put on fresh tyres annihilated the possibility for an epic battle for the win.

But despite this, I'm not one of the mad people demanding that Monaco be removed from the F1 calendar. It might not be the best place to marvel at outstanding overtakes, but I think we can all appreciate the immense skill of any F1 driver keeping it on the road for 78 laps, let alone in the company of other cars. Let's take this moment to watch a master at work:

But back to the present. With none of the five cars behind him risking an overtake, Mark Webber became the sixth different driver (although sadly not the sixth different constructor) to win a Grand Prix in 2012. And Red Bull celebrated in Monaco the way they know best: champagne and chlorine. Martin Brundle might have managed to stay dry last year while DC and EJ took the plunge, but this time he was at the mercy of the race winner...

 

We all knew it was coming. ...Well lucky for you that might be all I have to say about this race. With so few changes of position and most of my favourite drivers retiring, I was left pretty underwhelmed. But if you haven't yet had enough of my rambling, you can always check out the excellent F1 In Pubs podcast by Paul and Manish, featuring a few words of wisdom from myself and Tiff (plus the occasional shrieking in the background) here.

Don't forget to vote in the poll on the left for who you'd most like to see be the seventh different race winner this season! Feel free to tweet me @F1_Obsessive or leave a comment below. See you the weekend after next for the Canadian Grand Prix - hopefully as eventful as last year's!

The Williams Phoenix Rises

RACE TRACK: Fire - The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown

Those of you who know me in real life or on Twitter (you poor buggers) may know that I've had a half-joking love for a certain Venezuelan Formula 1 driver since his debut in Melbourne 2011. It started out just enjoying how much he looked like a serial killer, but at Monaco last year, I began to root for him for real. He was finally able to prove his driving talent around the street circuit, before... I'm getting angry just thinking about it. When the spat continued at Spa, I think it's safe to assume he was one of the most disliked drivers on the grid. And so, alas, I was the sole member in his forlorn little fan club.

Until now.

DELIGHTED to be typing this: Pastor Maldonado WINS the 2012 Spanish Grand Prix!

So many achievements by that man this weekend. Pole position (which I predicted after FP3 actually, but foolishly did not put money on), first time having the Venezuelan national anthem on the podium (quite jazzy actually), first win for Williams in 8 long years (a wonderful gift for Sir Frank's 70th birthday), and 25 times his points in the whole of 2011, all in one glorious race. Oh, and not forgetting providing us with a FIFTH different winning driver and constructor. 2012 is a sensational season so far. Also, I can't imagine any driver more frightening to be breathing down your neck for most of a race than Fernando Alonso.

Ok, so maybe that photograph wasn't the best choice to convey the intimidating nature of a double world champion, on home turf, tearing after you, but my point still stands. Maldonado has only a fraction of the experience Alonso has in F1 and yet he was able to stay in front despite the Spaniard's relentless efforts from less than a second behind and within the DRS zone. I like to think that people who thought he was just a 'pay driver' may start to take note of his driving ability here. The race had no big crashes or adverse weather conditions to explain away Maldonado's presence at the front of the grid - he won on pure merit. Amazing drive. I'll come back to the emotional rollercoaster of the post-race drama at Williams, but for now, I'm reviewing the race action.

...Or what there was of it. During the race, I was naturally caught up in the madness that was seeing "P1 MAL" on my television screen and had consequently developed the Christian Horner foot-jiggle. It was only hours later, whilst pondering who might be runner-up to Pastor for driver of the day, that I realised: none of the others did very well. In the midfield and back, the Toro Rossos and the Force Indias were bordering on invisible (and not because of FOM this time), the Caterhams didn't make the leaps and bounds they promised, and the HRTs were still acting like bloody cucumbers. As for those who SHOULD be further up front: Felipe baby was finally acting a bit racy, only to drop out of the points after a drive-through, and Webber and my beloved Button hardly moved the whole race! When asked after the race what went wrong, Jenson laughed and said, "I was just slow." Sad times.

Ok, Lewis Hamilton gaining 16 places isn't bad. But it's hard to get excited about an 8th place finish for a driver in arguably the best team on the grid, even if you're actually a fan of the muppet. I found myself in the rare position of having not much to complain about with Notorious H.A.M. this weekend - especially having successfully not smashed Massa out of the race. But of course it was back to usual as soon as he opened his mouth in the interviews, unnecessarily slagging off his teammate and anyone who calls his driving style aggressive (which it is, and is not an insult). So it's the usual suspect grinding my gears this week, along with the surprising mediocrity of so much of the field on Sunday. But now back to the better things...

Straight in with a photograph of the happiest giraffe in the zoo and all gear-grinding is eradicated. This was his face when describing his race as "alright". Can you imagine his expression when he has a better-than-alright race?! I think my tweet that he could cure depression makes a perfectly valid point. But yes, a shame we didn't see him on the podium but some more good points for Romain and less of the bad luck from earlier in the season.


Aside from the adorable giraffe, another shining beacon of hope for my cynical soul was Sky F1's success in making me laugh almost constantly during their coverage. A particular highlight for me was Martin's gridwalk, where he attempted his 'Marty's Random Person' segment:

...And failed. What that video sadly cuts off is the next part when Martin strides up to Bernie Ecclestone and asks if he speaks English - Bernie's face was priceless.

After the race, while the BBC was showing you Eddie Jordan's foot, Simon Lazenby on Sky was busy giggling helplessly having asked Pastor Maldonado's fiancée live on television what she does to help him relax. Raised eyebrows and laughter all round. Simon was certainly earning his new nickname of Lolzenby. And he's the perfect candidate for a caption competition:

I'm thinking, "I said WHAT to Gabriella?!" Feel free to comment or tweet me your ideas!

On a rather less fun note, I can't really review this race without mentioning the fire in the Williams garage. I think it's a truly wonderful thing that somehow the positive stories following this outweighed the negative ones. Thankfully, news of injuries were few and tales of heroism were plenty. It was fantastic to see members of all the teams up and down the pit lane racing to extinguish the fire, and managing to have it under control before the circuit's fire engines had even arrived. The photograph of a cameraman dropping his equipment to help a mechanic out of the flaming garage was an incredible sight. But the one that I think warmed the most hearts after a scary afternoon was the shot of race winner, driver of the day and man of the moment, Pastor Maldonado, carrying his young cousin through the smoke to safety. I can't help but make this comparison.

Please forgive the metaphor, but this Spanish Grand Prix has given the Williams phoenix a chance to rise from the ashes. Williams is a beloved team to so many, and after such a terrible season in 2011, it's brilliant to see the start of a resurgence. Oh, and I should probably mention that my one-person Maldonado fan club is officially accepting new members. And on that note, I'm signing off. Apologies for this being quite excessively long but, you know, stuff happened. As usual, if you have any comments, leave them below or tweet me @F1_Obsessive, ¡VIVA VENEZUELA! aaaaaand see you in Monaco baby! ^^

May The 4s Be With You

RACE TRACK: Tired Of Waiting For You - Green Day (or: 'Ode To The McLaren Pit Crew')

You'll have to forgive the Star Wars reference (or enjoy it, whatever floats your boat), but Bernie was on top evil-dictator form this weekend in tumultuous Bahrain. For those who don't really know their Star Wars, the character of Emperor Palpatine is best described as "the supreme ruler of the most powerful tyrannical regime the galaxy had ever witnessed". But for fear of being sued or otherwise 'silenced', I shall point out that this bears absolutely no resemblance to F1 'supremo' Bernard Charles Ecclestone... at all... nope... definitely not.

 

But anyway, now it is time to use the 4s! And hopefully end these terrible Star Wars puns. Because this Bahrain GP ended with an awful lot of '4' milestones...

• Despite fears for safety amongst political unrest in the country, this year's Bahrain GP went ahead and was the 4th race of the 2012 F1 season.
• In an alarming display of consistency, this race marks Mark Webber's 4th 4th place finish in a row. Lewis Hamilton was only able to achieve 3 3rd place finishes in a row.
• Sebastian Vettel was the 4th different race winner of the season so far. After Jenson Button sailed to victory in Melbourne, Fernando Alonso silenced Ferrari's critics in Sepang, and Nico Rosberg took his maiden victory in Shanghai, 'Finger Boy' Sebastian Vettel was back on top.
• Bahrain also resulted in a 4th different constructor to win a race this year. McLaren took the Australian GP, Ferrari the Malaysian, Mercedes the Chinese and now Red Bull in Bahrain.
• The top 4 finishers were all driving cars with Renault engines: the Red Bulls of Vettel and Webber in 1st and 4th respectively, along with the Lotuses (Loti?) of Raikkonen and Giraffe Grosjean in 2nd and 3rd.
• And finally, the Bahrain GP gave us a 4th different championship leader after only 4 races of 2012. Button's win in Australia put him atop the WDC, then Alonso led after Malaysia. Hamilton's consistent 3rd place finishes put him in the lead following the Chinese GP but now it's back to business as usual with Vettel leading the WDC despite lacking his usual level of dominance.

Without a doubt the best of these milestones are the 4 different winning drivers, winning constructors and championship leaders. It's a glorious amount of unpredictability - something that we didn't see much of in 2011. I mean, after the world's media had pretty much written off the 2012 Ferrari, who'd have thought the magician Alonso would be able to drag it to a victory this early on? And having spent 6 years just about on the good side of mediocre, we see Britney Nico Rosberg finally taking his first win. Who's going to win next time? Charles Pic? Pedro de la Rosa? Or even Felipe baby!

Gratuitous Felipinho photo. ...I'll let you decide which of these Felipe Babies is most likely to win a race.  
PS. Feliz aniversário Felipe! 31 today, but not looking a day over 13.

But anyway, on with the show. Rosberg was certainly pushing his luck AND the other drivers with a fair bit of dodgy defending from Hamilton and then Alonso:

 

Nico's indignant team radio after that first tussle with Hamilton was that he passed him "off the track", which made me think at first that Lewis might be due a visit to his old pals the stewards. But seeing it a second time, Rosberg pushing Alonso off the track in the same place, Nico started to look like the repeat offender. Regular readers will know that I'd have no problem in condemning Hamilton when he does something wrong, but this time I think Nico was the one making the dodgy moves. I was quite surprised that he didn't get any penalties, not even a reprimand, despite being investigated for both incidents after the race. My conclusion is that this is similar to Schumacher pushing Barrichello right up against the pit wall in Hungary 2010: definitely madness, but apparently allowable. That's racing...

But someone who was definitely NOT racing was everyone's least favourite McLaren mechanic, Mr Left Rear! As someone who dislikes Hamilton immensely, you can imagine my hysterical laughter when his first pit stop was a dismal 9.9 seconds due to some flailing with the wheel nut on the left rear.

But even I was shaking my head when the same mistake happened again, giving Hamilton an even worse 12.2 second stop. Apparently McLaren let the poor bloke off the last pit stop, letting him have his mental breakdown quietly in the corner of the garage as opposed to in the pit lane. But their best effort for Hamilton in this race was 5.4 seconds - still a good 2 seconds off what they should be doing. Red Bull are happy to be seeing a certain finger again, but I think the McLaren boys should start to get more used to this one:

So grinding my gears this week was definitely McLaren. Just so you don't think I've been kidnapped and replaced by some sort of Hamilton sympathiser, I was still laughing my head off at his misfortune, but the team's errors are getting ridiculous now. In China it was Button who suffered worse with that blasted left rear (and with similar pit crew incompetence in Silverstone last year) so my rage at them makes a bit more sense from that point of view. As for this race, it's safe to say I was making a similar noise to Jenson's engine when he retired - GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. So McLaren, please get your act together ready for next race. Stop grinding my gears and I might stop grinding my teeth.

But let's end on a happier note. In fact, the happiest thing on the planet most likely: the eternally-grinning giraffe himself, Monsieur Romain Grosjean!

It honestly looks like he hasn't moved since after qualifying in Australia. Look, exactly the same gleeful face! But I must admit, I was smiling too. Just look at this podium! After Romain's apparent jinx in the first two races, and some bad tyre strategy from Lotus for Kimi in China, it was great to see both of them on the podium in Bahrain. Although Kimi claimed to be 'disappointed' with second (as most racing drivers would be), I think him and aaall his fans were grateful that he made it to a good finish without his tyres committing suicide, like last week. And as for Grosjean, I'm glad he's finally getting a chance to silence his critics from all the way back in 2009. I mean, at the start alone, he was flying!

I know, I know, more giraffe-related Grosjean-teasing. Hey, be grateful I've stopped the Star Wars puns.

But seriously, I'm pleased for the guy - how can you not be, looking at that sweet little face?! Here's hoping Lotus can keep up in the development race and give us more amusement from Romain 'the happiest giraffe in the zoo' Grosjean and Kimi 'Kimi-face' Raikkonen in some top three press conferences.

I'm signing off now, but I'll be back spouting more rubbish after everyone's favourite and exhilarating race, the Spanish Grand Prix! As always, feel free to tweet me in the meantime @F1_Obsessive, comment your thoughts on the race below, or vote in my poll over to the right. See you next time!

Lemmings: Proud Sponsors Of Pirelli

RACE TRACK: I've Just Begun - Nico Rosberg Britney Spears

Those tyres threw themselves off the cliff pretty hard and fast this weekend. Don't get me wrong, the Pirellis certainly don't grind my gears. I LOVE the element of unpredictability they provide during the races, but my heart couldn't help but break when Kimi's tyres went off and he plummeted 12 places in only 2 laps. 'Poor Kimi' was even trending on Twitter! I scoured the many faces of Kimi Raikkonen to find his reaction to his ruined race and I guess any of these would probably cover it.

But despite Kimi missing out on a potential podium finish, tyres acting like lemmings didn't grind my gears too badly. This week, that coveted position is awarded to the Mercedes and McLaren pit crews! I know, I know, they all work exceptionally hard, have to work under extreme pressure and 99% of the time do a great job, but that didn't stop me screaming at the television watching the pit stops for Schumacher and Button.

The mechanics across from him are totally wondering who this guy's waving to. I've never been a die-hard Schumacher fan (I grew up watching him dominate F1 and everyone gets bored of the guy who wins all the time), but I was pretty devastated that we lost out on seeing him fight for the win for the first time since his return. The man himself was a lot more forgiving of his pit crew than I was, offering a hug to the poor bloke on the right front tyre.

As for Button, it was an agonisingly long wait while the McLaren mechanic fought to get the left rear tyre on properly. I suppose I should be grateful that they held him and didn't let him trundle off with only 3 like in Silverstone last year (significantly more rage from me then) but, for the second time this race, I found myself frustrated at the pit crew for eliminating the possibility of a fight at the front. And yet again I was getting far more cross than the person who actually suffered from it. Jenson was magnanimous (yes, I learn my vocabulary mostly from Mr. Smedley) when asked about it, saying "It's frustrating but you know, this happens. I made a mistake in Malaysia, someone's made a mistake here, we've just got to learn from that." It never ceases to amaze me what an all-round good guy Jenson Button is. He could've been like me, shouting screaming swearing, but instead he accepted it, kept his cool, and fought back to a respectable second place. Who knows, maybe if he'd repeated his pit strategy from last year's Chinese GP, he might've had a quicker stop with Red Bull...

 

Aaaanyway, what else? Oh yes, cursed crashers Grosjean and Maldonado actually FINISHED THE RACE. Congratuwelldone boys! Finally! Both of them managed to survive the train of about 8 or 9 cars lapping in close company for the majority of the race. It was this traffic that made Button's life more difficult after his slow stop, but it was great to see such close battles going on for the full duration of the race. It's not often that you see cars within a second or two of each other on the final lap without a safety car! In amongst an ever-changing top ten, both Senna and Maldonado got a good haul of points on the eve of Sir Frank Williams' 70th birthday. Another fun moment mid-race was Mark Webber's continued disregard for gravity:

How one does a wheelie in a Formula 1 car, I will never know. Keep flying, Mark.

This week I was again able to enjoy the F1 coverage on Sky as well as on the BBC. So to briefly summarise my opinion on this coverage 'war': both are good in their own way. I prefer Sky for the serious action, and I'll never want to miss the LIVE race, but the BBC are good for a bit of F1 humour. My highlight of the Sky coverage this weekend was the live interview with Martin Whitmarsh after the race where he tried, in vain, to hide a rapidly-melting Magnum ice cream behind his back. A disembodied hand appeared from off camera offering Raikkonen-approved refreshment for all the Sky presenters and pundits, and Martin Brundle impressed greatly by managing to scarf down his entire Magnum during the cut-away to the Skypad. Man's got skills. My highlight of the BBC coverage was probably their personification of the 'Now Kiss!' meme during the post-race forum. Firstly they insisted that Nico Rosberg kiss his 1st place trophy on camera, then Jake and Jenson indulged the Twitter fangirls with this slightly-awkward-but-kind-of-funny moment:

Before you ask: no, I am not going to take the whole BBC VS. SKY FIGHT TO THE DEATH thing seriously. We get a choice, just enjoy it, who KERS?

And finally, to the race winner, Princess Britney NICO Rosberg. Again, I'm not his biggest fan and I have to admit I've been somewhat underwhelmed by him in the past. But this weekend he was on fire (not in a Heikki Kovalainen way) and I was immensely pleased to see him take his first victory. He certainly looked at home receiving his award for 1st place...

...Sorry. That was inevitable. It was also bittersweet to hear the statistic that Keke and Nico Rosberg are the only father-and-son GP winners where the father has been alive to see the son achieve an F1 victory. A sad fact overall, but nice for Nico, Keke and their family. But anyway, it might've been Nico's Only Wish This Year to win a race, he was definitely Lucky in some aspects, but now he's Stronger. This weekend in China he's Just Begun (Having His Fun), and I'm sure Kimi will be saying Ooops if Nico Does It Again and- oh god I have to stop.

Cucumbers At Dawn

RACE TRACK: Fernando - Abba (Sorry, couldn't resist!)

First things first: CHECO YOU LITTLE LEGEND!

For those baffled by this picture, it is merely a comparison that my warped mind made last year ('Dull Down Under'). In Melbourne, Perez amazed us by climbing from 22nd on the grid to finish in a closely-fought 8th, and only a week later we find him in an incredible second place, giving double world champion Fernando Alonso a run for his money in the final few laps. I genuinely think Sergio could've pressured him into a mistake in the closing stages... if it wasn't for his own minor wobble. I was not jumping to join the conspiracy theorists who claimed that, as a future Ferrari driver (potentially as early as the next round in China), Perez was obliged to acknowledge "Fernando is faster than you." No, Perez was gunning like hell for that first place and made a small mistake, like most drivers would under that amount of pressure (look at Sebastian 'Flawless' Vettel in Canada '11). And if I was Sergio's race engineer, I'd almost certainly be holding my breath and begging him to be careful! But enough of the conspiracy crap: Perez can be added to the long list of drivers who are showing Hamilton how you're supposed to look when you make it onto the podium...

On the left: an appropriate face to pull if you've retired after 1 lap. On the right: an appropriate face to pull if you're on the podium. As ever Lewis, despite being the envy of most of the world by earning millions doing one of the coolest jobs in existence, you manage to have a face like a slapped arse. If you were in your teammate's position, trundling miserably around in 14th, I'd understand your frustration. Here's Jenson looking hugely disappointed:

The miserable bastard. But seriously, Button gave a great and honest post-race interview. He didn't moan, he didn't blame anybody else, he just said, "I can't do anything but laugh really because it was such a horrendous race!" The only time Lewis' comments made me laugh this weekend was when he managed to say "I can't complain" about three times in one short interview. Looks like all the time the McLaren PR people have spent beating that concept into him (probably since Monaco '11) has finally paid off!

Another man in stark contrast to the diplomatic Mr Button was Sebastian 'Eternally-Cheerful' Vettel. After his wing-flinging moment with Button, poor old Karthikeyan was observing the blue flags (no Kimi, not for you) and moving out of the way of Vettel when he unfortunately clipped the Red Bull's rear tyre. The tyre disintegrated, as did Seb's race... and his patience:

I know Vettel is famous for his finger, but really. His troubles then continued with a series of baffling and contradictory team radio messages from his race engineer: "Box, box, box, we're going to retire the car, retire the car, retire the car... stay out, stay out, stay out, stay out... stop the car, stop the car, emergency, stop the car." So when he did eventually stop the car and was shoved in front of the microphones, his usual happy grin was nowhere to be seen. About the coming together with Karthikeyan he said, "As in real life, there are a few cucumbers on the road." First of all, what is Formula 1 if not real life (for him anyway)? Secondly, cucumbers?? When interviewed shortly afterwards by the BBC, he went for the word "idiots" instead, but I definitely prefer the mad imagery of his first answer. Unfortunately for Seb, #CUCUMBERGATE rumbles on, with Narain calling him "unprofessional" and a "crybaby". To add insult to injury, he's also apparently in trouble with his team for ignoring their order to stop the car, and with the FIA for the use of his other finger. I like and support Vettel, but this has not been a good weekend for him; this has been a Hamilton-at-Monaco kind of meltdown. Nicht gut, Wunderkind.


What else? I realise I'm going about this in entirely the wrong order but that's clearly how I roll. The red flag period had a fair few fun moments, as ever. Gratuitous picture number 1: hands up who wants to high-five me!

That face just screams "where's my Magnum?" (If you can bear to hear more Kimi-five/Magnum ramblings, check out my shenanigans at Top Gear here.) While the drivers conferred and stretched and scowled, the teams were busy hosting the 1st Annual B&Q Malaysian Gazebo Grand Prix, competing for titles including 'Quickest Gazebo Assembly', 'Driest Chassis' and the prestigious 'Largest And Most Compensatory Gazebo'. Some unfortunate teams had obviously spent their funding elsewhere and had to make do with a rather forlorn collection of brollies and what looked like clingfilm. And here's gratuitous picture number 2: a surly, soggy Rob Smedley (or R. Smedley if you're saying it out loud), again for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Aside from Seb's rather unfortunate tantrum, the other thing from Malaysia that really grinds my gears is the curse that appears to be following Maldonado and Grosjean around. Two weekends in a row now, Pastor has been driving well inside the top ten, when his race comes to an abrupt end in the final stages of the race. Admittedly the first time it was a driver error whilst hounding Alonso, but an engine blow out? In 2012? That's just cruel, fate. At least this time Bruno Senna was on hand to score Williams 8 points, making up 7 places to finish 6th. And as for poor Romain, he qualifies well, he starts well and then, only a few laps in, ends up in the gravel. Here's Grosjean's reaction after his incident:

Pauvre bébé. Right, that's enough rambling and teasing from me now. Late post is late but I'm still not as slow as FOM are with their race edits - success! Feel free to comment below or tweet me @F1_Obsessive - ooh, and don't forget to vote in the poll on the right: this week, your bet for the championship leader after Round 3 in China. Until then my lovelies!

"Welcome to 2009!"

RACE TRACK: Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys

I realise I am later with this race review than Kobayashi is on the brakes, but may I tentatively say... the blog is back! ...Place your bets now for when I'll go off the rails again.

But anyway: F1 IS BACK BABY! And the best part of the start of a new season for me (aside from ditching the F1 withdrawal symptoms) is the unpredictability. After a few weeks of fairly meaningless testing, where no team wanted to show their true potential, we finally get to see a new order establish itself in qualifying. I think Kimi speaks for himself, Felipe and Fernando when he says:

 

That poor a qualifying effort certainly worried Ferrari fans - and for Alonso to outqualify Massa despite being stationary and throwing a strop in the gravel, well, I think Felipe just needs a unicorn plaster on his head and a cuddle. I'm sure Rob would oblige. Or me.

To further confuse the Raikkonen fans, we find Romain Grosjean, in an identical Lotus, THIRD on the grid! Before this weekend, I was pretty indifferent to him. I felt like he had a chance to impress in F1 at Renault and had failed to - but I'm a firm believer in second chances (hope to see you soon Jaime!). To rejoin F1 after a fairly miserable first attempt, and to be driving alongside a former world champion, must be pretty damn daunting. And yet we find him beaming in the top three press conference alongside the McLaren duo! I tweeted at the time that he looked like the happiest giraffe in the zoo. This picture does nothing to refute that statement:

 

Look at his little face! When qualifying was over, I could just hear Will Buxton in the distance (from Melbourne) shrieking "SHUT UP. THAT IS RIDICULOUS."

But the other surprise of qualifying came from the man with the beautiful serial killer face, Pastor Maldonado. I'm well aware that I am the SOLE member of the Maldonado fan club, but if you can't be happy for him, be happy for Williams. Following their worst season in F1 history, to have a driver qualify as high as eighth is wonderful in my opinion. And so this weekend, what really grinds my gears is that inch or two of artifical grass that sadly brought Pastor's race to an end with only half a lap to go. 

I think it's safe to say that if my hotel room neighbours weren't already awake, they were after that happened. I know it was a driver error, but it's just a bit devastating that Williams could have had more points in that race than in the WHOLE of 2011, if it wasn't for that tiny mistake! Such a shame, but I'm looking forward to seeing what Williams can do next weekend and in the rest of the season. Other notable disappoints were the retirements of the Caterhams, the fighty Brazilian mafia of Felipe and Bruno, as well as Grosjean and Schumacher who had both been running well. But again, it was good to see some more midfield teams/drivers competing higher up the grid - I want to see more than the top 5 drivers on the podium this year!

But on with the rest of the race. In an interview with Coulthard on the grid, Jenson said it'd be difficult into Turn 1, but that he'd "give it a go". And he bloody did! The Girl With The Button Tattoo was naturally very happy with that - I reckon the race was won and lost in that first corner, and what a result! Button promptly "did a Vettel" and pulled out enough of a gap to rarely be bothered by his teammate or either racy Red Bulls. Now I'll admit Vettel was lucky with the timing of his pitstop and the safety car, but Hamilton didn't make much of an impact this race. Although I guess we should be grateful he kept his head down, like he promised? As for Button, he did try to scare us with a radio message sounding worried about a vibration and, listening to the exceptionally shouty Ben Edwards commentary, this was obviously HIGH DRAMA and Jenson was DOOOOOOMED (he did seem to like an overreaction did Ben). But it can't have been a real problem because the smooth operator Mr. Button sailed to victory uncompromised. And so, for the first race after a tortuous winter break, we have someone other than Seb on the top step of the podium! Judging by his team radio after the chequered flag, he was as happy as me about this: "Welcome to 2009!"

Also on the last lap there were plenty of reasons to be excited about the midfield battles for 2012. As Button crossed the line victorious and Maldonado exited his mangled car, the Saubers, Toro Rossos, Di Resta and Raikkonen were swapping places for the entire final lap. Perez and Raikkonen in particular had done EPIC jobs to get up into the top ten from their dismal grid slots (Sergio in last place after a penalty) and the numerous overtakes in the final turns were great!

So anyway, it really is about time I shut up (so much tl;dr) but I think it's safe to say that this was a fun race, and hopefully the start of some great battles for the 2012 season! I shall leave you with this, because they are just impossibly cute:

 

As the commentator for Star Sports said during the champagne shower, "the chemistry between these two champions is absolutely great". ...I'll let you take from that whatever you like.

Until next weekend pals! Feel free to leave a comment (agree, disagree, call me a raving lunatic - whatever you like), or tweet/follow me at @F1_Obsessive. :D